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Monday 2 February 2015

Toddler Insults

James is definitely going through the extended terrible 2s; despite the fact that he is 3 going on to 4.
Last year he started going through the stage of calling people “Poo-Poo heads”. This continued and developed into a range of different toddler shaped insults such as:
“Poo-Poo Face”, “Stupid haired Daddy” and “Fat head”; to name a few.
This continued for a while; despite explaining to him that what he was doing was rude.
Somewhere in his development between toddler mischief and toddler/young child we, both his Mum’s household and mine, managed to convince him that saying these sentences were rude and something we would like him to stop.  Success you might think, however; His form of ‘insults’ changed completely and it hasn’t really improved.

On paper the words that he is saying isn’t actually rude or vulgar. He is using the names of objects or animals, even combination of both, with the added choice of a body part, either human or animal, and then saying it in a sentence that is aimed at anyone in the ear shot.
Let me give you an example:
Person: Daddy
Object: Chair
Body Part (Human): Head
Animal: Giraffe
Body Part (Animal): Horn
On paper these are just everyday meaningless words; however when James puts these unconnected words together he produces an insult:

“Daddy you Chair Head Giraffe Horn”

The sentence built upon each word is technically meaningless but his context isn’t. He has put random words together, on the pretence that these are not rude words, and formulated an insult. Once he has done this he has a smile and a laugh; Although I am unaware if this is because he thinks it is funny that he has used random words together to say something or if because he knows that he is able to insult me in a ‘polite’ way.
So what do I do?
It is a difficult choice. I cannot allow him to use any word in any order and put that sentence towards somebody else. In doing so I am allowing him to believe that the context that is being used is acceptable now and in the future. If I felt that it was acceptable then why did I stop him from using the insults ‘poo-poo head’? But obviously I don’t; the context is the important fact here.
I am told that this is normal and read:
“Most children try name-calling when they feel hurt or out of control. The behavior isn't even exclusive to humans; Koko, the sign-language proficient gorilla, once signed “You dirty bad toilet!” at her trainer, Penny -- the closest thing she had to a mother. She had deduced that this was the “dirtiest” phrase in her repertoire she could use to convey her frustration.”
I also read that:
“When your child shifts into a name-calling phase, do your best to manage your reactions while helping her learn healthy ways to express the feelings that are part and parcel of childhood -- and you'll ensure her bad behavior doesn't turn into a pattern.”
So what am I trying?

 1. ‘Say something nice’
This was suggested by the boys Mum and seems to be working. From what I have witnessed, within their interaction, straight after the contextual insult the adult expresses that what was said isn’t a nice thing to say and that the adult would like to hear something nice said to them.
I do like this technique yet every time I have tried it the arguing begins. This usually takes 3 to 4 attempts for him to say something nice.
2. ‘Not Engaging’
I am also trying, although difficult at times, to stick with the same advice I suggested in my arguing post; If you refuse to engage in a power struggle, then he will learn that calling you names doesn't get what he wants.
3. ‘Helping to use the correct Language’
This one is simple; He calls me a name and I ask him why he did it. If the answer is because he thinks it is funny then I refer back to point 1. If he is cross then I help him to explore how to tell me he is cross.
The problem that I face is this: Technique 1, which is currently used by Mum and her Household, doesn’t seem to be stopping him from saying the contextual insult; It just seems to correct him. Technique 2 may encourage him not to do it but in all honesty trying not to engage with him when he is being argumentative is difficult enough; I almost feel that I should be taking action rather than ignoring, if that makes sense? Technique 3 only really works if he is doing it in an aggressive form.
So what do I do?
All suggestions are kindly welcomed!


 

35 comments:

  1. Hi Martyn, it's funny how parents differ, my children have all gone through these name calling things and if I'm honest it is something I joined in with back, this may sound odd but I found if you demystify it, it no longer becomes an insult and just becomes a norm, but more it actually discourages it as the child no longer thinks it is taboo. Does that make sense? I hope so.

    It seems to have worked as none of my children have ever sworn in front of me (the eldest being 15), I can't say they don't swear, who knows what happens behind my back, but having listened in (through doors) to my eldests conversations with mates (usually on the xbox) I've never heard a bad word.

    To be fair though I think all kids are different so what works for mine may not work for yours etc.

    Absolutely no help really, but keep up the good work, I'm sure the phase will pas (they usually do).

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    1. Thanks for commenting Ashley. That is a very valid point about highlighting it as taboo so subsequently makes it something to do. I can see how joining in would make it playful and demystifying it makes it less of an insult. I might give that a try.

      You are right though every child is different. I didn't have any of this with my eldest. Which is why I find it strange as it's a brand new topic. I hope either way that it is a phase and it'll pass.

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  2. I'm the same as Ashley, - I was brought up with a lot of banter, friendly ribbing and it seems to have rubbed off with my son. Even though he is under 3 he is becoming quite funny /cheeky but not in a rude way.

    I like to win the odd argument with him in a banterish way -

    Him to me - You are a monkey
    Me to him - No you are a monkey
    Him to me - You are a monkey
    me to him - No you are best
    him to me ( getting frustrated) No, You are the best Daddy!

    I then celebrate in a silly dance singing dad is the best...

    It does not work for everyone obviously.


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    1. Thanks for commenting Dan. We have silly banter but not in the same way you and Ashley have mentioned. Maybe this is an area I hadn't thought if and definitely need to explore.

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  3. I wish I had the answers, but right now the boys are in the true terrible twos, and anything I can get them to say is a good thing. We;re working on talking and one repeats everything we say (not always a good thing with daddy trying to keep his potty mouth under control) and the other would rather just have you guess what he wants from a series of grunts and squeaks.

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    1. Thanks for commenting Kevin. It definitely isn't something that seems to have quick easy answers.
      You have my sympathy. I went through that. What you're doing is right....just need to keep going with it. I'm guessing I will have to do the same.

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  4. I don't have any answers or tips but it sounds like you're doing a great job to me.

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    1. Thanks Al. I think most of it is just a learning curve and phase. Lol. One that I hope passes quickly! ;-)

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  5. Martyn, great post! All kids respond to techniques differently. Not sure this will help, but this is what I did:

    My son tried to start calling me the names he heard other kids saying once he started pre-school. To shut it down, I celebrated him for knowing lots of words and explained that people who name call don't have the words to express how they're feeling. And since he had so many words, there was no reason to name call. Had to remind him of this conversation a couple times, but he was able to get it.

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    1. Excellent idea and something I would definitely try!

      I think, ultimately, you're right and all kids are different. And respond to different techniques. It definitely is part of parenting that makes us stay on our toes.
      Thanks for the tip and for commenting.

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  6. Sounds like some good suggestions for ways of dealing with it - the suggestion about joining in and therefore removing the 'taboo' also sounds like a good idea to try - that way it hopefully loses appeal. Fingers crossed it is just a phase that will pass soon.

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    1. Thanks Louise. Yeah some great suggestions. I do like the making it a normal thing and not taboo. Thanks I'm hoping it'll pass soon too

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  7. I wouldn't actually worry about this too much. As an adult it's obviously very irritating and wyou don't want your kids saying these things but the more you makw of it the more he'll probably play up to it. I'd personally be going for the "managed ignoring" option but they all seem like sensible approaches. Goog luck with the linky! #BigFatLinky

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    1. Thanks John for commenting. I agree that the more attention drawn to it as a bad thing will encourage him to do it more. I think ignoring it or making it less taboo is the way to go!

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  8. Oh dear, mine is only two and a bit so we are not near this yet so I have no advice but I might bookmark this page so I have it come back to! I'll keep an eye on your progress too so I know what to do!! Hope you manage to get to the bottom of sorting it :) #bigfatlinky

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    1. Thanks Lisa.. .definitely bookmark this for the future! And keep an I out for an update. I hope I do.. ..the quicker the better .

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  9. It is really hard when they go through this stage and it sounds like you are dealing with it really well. I think the key is not to show a reaction as that is why they do it. I think they also do it to test boundaries and find out what is acceptable. I would carry on how you are and like you what seemed to work for us, was sitting down with them explaining why it isn't a nice to do, and how would they like it if they we called something not very nice. We used to have lots of discussions about it is important to show people how much we love them.

    Hang on in there.

    Em x

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    1. Thank you Em for commenting and your advice. Its difficult sometimes in the middle of it to know what is best. But I thumb not making it a taboo but sitting and focusing positivity is the way forward with this.
      And thanks.. ..will hang in there in the mean time

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  10. I don't have any tips on dealing with a toddler but if it helps I often feel like a chair head giraffe horn :)

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    1. Thanks Ellen! Keep a look out and remember this if Aiden ever does this!
      Lol. ....thanks dont we all feel like a chair head giraffe horn at times!

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  11. We're not at this stage yet, so can't offer advice. But you're doing great! Poo poo head! ;) haha!

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  12. Haha I know! There is part of me that does enjoy the childish comments but then I have to remember that it isn't always best. You wait though this day will come for you!! lol

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  13. I'm going to be useless when this happens as I find it hilarious which definitely won't help the situation!!!

    I think I'd try the "would you like it if your friends called you xyz? Why are you doing it then? Can you think of a nice thing to say instead" approach

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    1. Thanks for commenting .I do like the say something nice instead but also need him to appreciate this as a different thing not to do.
      It is funny but usually when he does it inside the family "grandad you're a.. ." Lol

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  14. All Amelia can say in return at the moment is no and throw a huge temper. Dreading when she can actually say real words as I think she will probably be mean!! I think il be pretty rubbish at the straight faced no reaction approach but it probably is the best way! Keep on going hopefully it's just a phase! #bigfatlinky x

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    1. Thanks for commenting . James was the same as Amelia then. So you might have to deal with this so keep a look out for an update if anything works. Sometimes it is hard to keep a straight face when it's not me.. ..I'm not impressed when it's aimed at me though lol
      Let's hope it is a phase!

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  15. Great post. We haven't had to deal with name calling yet. Our oldest is 3 going on 4 too so it may not be far away. I don't have any advice but I really like what Matthew said about trying to teach him that people who name call don't have the words to express their feelings. Good luck Martyn!

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    1. Thanks for commenting. Its hard because ever child and parents are different. But I definitely agree that , Mathew's suggestions is good and it falls inline with technique 3 on my list . It will be an on going challenge but we will get there.

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  16. Oh goodness I have all this to look forward to!

    sorry I can't offer any advice as my little ones insults take one form... Slobbery unimpressed raspberries!

    Difficult to know what to do sometimes. From watching my sister with her children I'd say explaining what they've said is wrong and then if you advocate the naughty step method of 'discipline' maybe initiate that?

    Brilliant post :)

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    1. Thanks for commenting. Ha you may have all this to come. I do try to explain everything as clearly as I can. I do use the naughty step and have in some cases of this but would always prefer finding alternatives to it.
      Thank you am glad you liked it. :-)

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  17. “Daddy you Chair Head Giraffe Horn”
    I'm pissing myself laughing here at that. Kayla does it all the time, she's four. I just ignore it and she won't repeat it then when she sets no attention from it.
    Her letter of the week is O in school, she picked the word ooooooddball. God only knows what the teacher will say if she repeats it in school tomorrow lol

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    1. Thanks for commenting Kellie! J's I know sometimes it can be funny but it just depends how he does it. Sometimes he does it quite lightheartedly other quite aggressively. Interesting that Kayla does it. Maybe it's an age and phase thing. Haha obviously then she has a great word! Teacher might find it funny or at least I would hope so!

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  18. “Stupid haired Daddy” has to be by far the best insult I have ever heard!

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    1. Thanks for commenting Kate! Ha I know! Great insult.....my gorgeous boy has many up his leave like that!

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