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Friday 27 March 2015

48 Hours Blackout


Some of you may have noticed that I have been pretty quiet for the last few days; none of my normal chatter on Twitter, commenting and reading posts, no #40dayblogging tweets, retweets, conversations or even writing my own posts.
The truth is I have been struggling.

It’s not easy for me to open up to people or even to talk when I am struggling. I have no idea if this is a man thing, a D.P.D thing or just a general mental health thing; but what I do know is that I have a habit of doing it.
I know there are certain characteristic traits to my D.P.D that shine through, as I mentioned in a post earlier this week, mainly that I close off from the world and only let a few people in; usually people that I feel comfortable confiding in.
That does sound like a lot of responsibility and I know at times that it is; I hate that it is.
On Tuesday a few things happened that made my self-esteem hit rock bottom; it plummeted lower than I was comfortable with. I felt worthless, isolated and truly horrible. Everything that I knew was true ended up feeling muddled; the only way I can describe it is like looking into a mirror but the reflection that you see back isn’t the person you though were looking into the mirror in the first place. I couldn’t seem to find something to hold on to and felt very lost.
I immediately started disliking myself too as the post that day was a very positive one; a post about finding and knowing who you are when negative comments hit you. How hypocritical did I feel writing a list of my good traits, my positives, when in truth I couldn’t even see them? Felt, very much so, that I was putting a false me out to the public domain, when in reality I was feeling terrible
I detested myself and in doing so I hid; I felt, and still do, worthless, isolated, belittled and rejected.

This meant one thing: My D.P.D was definitely flaring; I was struggling to function, to do everyday things without knowing what the best course of action was: Do I hide? Do I Talk? Do I write? What should I wear? What should I eat?
I just didn’t know.

My anxiety was racing; every decision was a strain, so ultimately I hid and decided the best thing to do was try and block everything and everyone out. Only letting people in that I thought, wholeheartedly, would understand.  It happens though that within the two days I only had contact with two people; one: someone who I have regular contact with and if more than anything I wouldn’t want them to worry and the second: someone asking after me that I knew would understand if I said that I am struggling. For the rest of the world, and my apologies for this, I was shut off.
It’s difficult though because this is something that is meant to be good for me; closing me off and forcibly isolating myself is the complete opposite to what my D.P.D wants me to do. It wants me to seek others and not deal with things alone; yet if I can cope with the deafening sound of isolation and become productive through it then that’s a massive positive in the fight against it. However; the sound of nothing is extremely deafening.
Distraction techniques and patterns that I knew would help in self-worth were difficult and didn’t seem to work; the path was clear, waiting it out until I felt I could do something. So after forcing myself off to work this evening I came back and thought that writing this might be a start to rebuilding and having another go at knowing my positives and more importantly knowing who I am again.

So, I am sorry if it seemed liked I disappeared for a few days but this is why; I might not even be that productive and spring back into things but one day at a time.

24 comments:

  1. I said it on Facebook and I'll say it here:

    You never need to apologise for taking time for yourself Martyn as much as we all know hiding away doesn't help in the long run, sometimes it is just what we need to do. Your only real concern needs to be you, your kids and your health (physical and mental).

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    1. Thank you Ashley. I knew it wasn't a long term thing but really did need to hide away a bit. I just needed to wait through things a bit.

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  2. Keep your head high, we all hit rough waters in patches. If you ever need an ear hit me up (just check that time difference out mate) Seriously hang in there. Prayers.

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    1. Thanks Gary. I will. Was difficult to do anything so just hid. Still struggling a bit now but thought for the first time in days that I could do something. Even if it was to write this.

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  3. You are amazingly frank, honest and brave in the posts you write. No one is ever going to think less of you for the days when you don't cope, but just remember when you feel like climbing under that duvet and hiding from the world, there are so many of us that are here if you need to talk, who will never judge you and just admire you for the pure strength that you show in your blog by opening up and talking about your struggles.
    Take care of yourself, Stevie

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    1. Thank you so much Stevie. I really do appreciate it. I struggle loads at opening up. Not sure if it's a fear or judgement or just the fear that I am quite crazy. But I know I should do it more.

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  4. What a brave, honest post!!
    You do not need to apologise!!
    Hang on in there....You are stronger than you think! xxx

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    1. Thank you Kim. There ate moments where I don't feel very strong. Especially as it took me over 2 years to get where I am and just to fall again. I won't give up though will carry on plodding along.

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  5. Thought you were quiet but as others said you need time for yourself to reflect and process your thoughts. These posts you write are really an inspiration and as Kim above said I think you are a lot stronger than you think. Not many would be able to write their thought down let alone hit the post button. Hope you are back again for a while :-) keep writing xx

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    1. Thanks Sarah. I appreciate it. I hid a lot for so long that writing has caused me to have a positive through it. Something that I don't always need to worry about. In these posts I take the advice of a friend which is write it but don't read it. Just publish.

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  6. Always here for you buddy. Just a call or text away. Hope you know that.

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  7. Do whatever you need to do :) I find Warhammer shopping a great distraction ;) Hope you realise soon just how awesome you truely are!

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    1. Thanks Ellen. I appreciate it. I hope I do too. Don't particularly like myself at the moment so it's difficult to see myself as awesome. But tbf I don't do that even when I'm not low.

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  8. I've been wondering what to write as a comment since you posted this, but at the same time knowing there is *nothing* that I can say.

    But thank you for opening up, thank you for telling the world, and thank you for continuing to show the truth about mental health.

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    1. Thanks Natalie. I appreciate that you understand, took the time to read and know there's not much to say sometimes. I will try my hardest to carry on talking about it.

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  9. Hang in there Martyn!!! I'll be sure to say a prayer for you today buddy!!! We all have our rough days. Do what you gotta do to get right.

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    1. Thanks for commenting Casey. I will definitely try to do what is right.

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  10. Don't ever feel that you need to apologies mate - the important thing first and foremost is yourself and family - hope you're feeling a bit better :)

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  11. Another fabulously brave post that is an inspiration to us all Martyn. And look at all those positive reactions to it. We're all thinking of you and right there with you if you need us.

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    1. Thanks Natalie. I really do appreciate all of the support.

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  12. I know the feeling Martyn. I often want to turn off the phone and lights and ignore the world. Things get better, we are all here to help if it gets too much.

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