Co-Parenting: From the Mum's View.

I don't mention the boys Mum often and that isn't because we, as some separated parents can be, fight like cats and dogs and subsequently hate each other.

If anything, the reason is because it's my blog and the majority of the time it has nothing to do with her but more my parenting highs and lows.
 

However, the boys Mum recently wrote this for me and I wanted to share it; it's highlighting her view within part of this co-parenting journey.

 

We had one of those break ups where, apart from extreme circumstance, we were never going to speak again. One of us was definitely more at fault than the other, and each of us had our own view on who that was, and each had our own excuses explaining away our portion of blame. Full of venom and brimstone and all those other metaphors which indicate that the end was full of pain and a relief in equal measure, and a very welcome end indeed.

Except. There were two little ones. And they, whether we liked it or not, had tied our fates together forever more. There was no real end - no "never speaking to you again." There was only "like it or lump it, we need to keep talking." The lives, happiness and well-being of the boys were so much more important than any of our feelings.

And it's really hard. You have to look at this person you hate and try and see the good in them, see them as "for all their faults, they're a good parent..." Because the kids need you to.

Fast forward four years-past the times the compromises failed, past the police visits and the divorce solicitors and government bodies, past interfering family and ^*+^ stirring friends.... And past the point where dislike turns into indifference and indifference turns into, well, not liking exactly, but certainly respecting. Because you know they've been walking a hard road (you've been walking it, too, after all) and despite their hardships they've been there for your children. And your children love them-You can't hate someone your children love. When they come home from the "other parent" and you ask them how everything was, they tell you stories of happiness and fun and annoyance and anger and reality and, most importantly, a home of love. You can't have anything but happiness for that.

It is not easy. As a mum, the feeling that you need to keep the children away from someone who has hurt you is all powerful. But it's a lie. They need him. And you need him, too.

Fathers are integral to a child's emotional well being, self identity and socioeconomic needs. And, once a relationship has built up around the kids again, one where co-parenting is possible and mutually beneficial, then it becomes in your own self interest to keep it going.

For instance, on Daddy days I have taken up part-time work without child care costs. If I didn't have him, It would cost over half my wage in childcare (and probably more). His being there has improved the financial environment of their home here. On mummy days I know Martyn uses his time to heal and grow, prepare for his next days with them, brings in some money of his own to spend on boys, and somehow manage to also do this blog!

He is a much better father apart from us than he ever was when we were together. And I don't think he'd deny that, either.

I'm glad the boys have him as a constant in their lives-it was worth all the hardship; even on the days where we frustrate each other over again. We are, and will forever be, a Work In Progress.