Dear Tooth Fairy, We need to have a word!

Dear Tooth fairy,

I’m writing this letter as I need to inform you of a problem with your quality of work: your lack of communication, leave of absence and financial insecurity is absolutely appalling!

The Consumer Rights Act 2015 says that reasonable care and skill must be used while working. In my opinion, you did not use reasonable care and skill because you didn’t carry out the work that is agreed within your contract.

Due to your negligence I had to step in and do your job just so I didn’t disappoint a little boy! Ignoring the legal quandary where I am not insured or even properly qualified to undertake this task I felt that I had no choice.

William has always had problems with his teeth which you should know (Did you even read his case file?) so losing a tooth naturally is a big deal for him!

But, unknown to me, I picked him up from his mum’s house and by the time we got home he had lost a tooth. 

Now, I am not sure this is an internal issue but I am sure you would have known that this was going to happen or you wouldn’t know to come and get the tooth. So my question is why didn’t you let me know?

Is it a Dad thing? Do you only converse with mums and not dads? Or is it because it’s the weekend and you were out boozing it up with your friends last night? Don’t deny it; we’ve seen the pictures in the paper!

The fact you didn’t let me know is a right pain; I needed some form of notification! I went down the shop earlier and spent all of my change so instead told William that we needed more milk (Why did I say milk?) How much of an idiot do I look now? Had to get £10 out of the machine, go to the shop that I went to 9 hours earlier and buy milk despite having bought 6 pints previously. The look I got from the cashier! What does he think I do, wash in it?

This leads me onto my next grievance!

How much do you give a 7 year old boy?

I had to Google the answer and still wasn’t too sure! Either way, I am now £2 down; I will seek compensation.

I know you can afford it with the amount of money you spend on dirty weekends with rent boys! But not turning up and making a single dad look like an idiot is bang out of order!

Then there is the logistics of actually delivering the money!

The boys sleep in bunk beds. I can’t bend down to remove the tooth from the bottom bunk and at 5’4 I’m too short to reach the top bunk!

So, instead I have to make up some silly excuse that “the tooth might go down the side and get lost” and to use a carrier bag on the side of the bed and a box!

Pure and utter discrimination against disabled people! Did you and your rent boy laugh whilst I had to think on my feet?

Or did you chuckle when I had to write a note to you as William was worried you wouldn’t find the tooth?! Oh, that made my night; “Oh tooth fairy…blah blah blah” when in truth I wanted to curse you for the bitch incompetent and negligent person you are!

Do you know how hard it is to try and take a box out of a carrier bag and then put it back without it waking a child up? It’s near on impossible!

Personally I am outraged by this and need something to change!

You need help! These weekends filled with alcohol, prostitutes and I suspect drugs need to stop, seek help and start working to your full ability; I am sure that us parents are all here to support you. As a child you were brilliant to me, as well as many of my friends, and always paid on time and at a reasonable rate.

Please contact me as soon as possible, and no later than 14 days from the date on this letter, to agree a date by which this work will be put right. I don’t want to go down the legal route but if I do not hear back from you in the time suggested above, I will consider taking further action and seeking legal advice.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours sincerely

Martyn

(William’s Dad)