The Other Dad

 

The stepkids just returned from seeing their dad. Unfortunately, this is one of two occasions they regularly see him, with the occasional visit near A12's birthday.

He's been offered every school holiday since they moved in with me. Yet he frequently declines these because "I'm working and cannot get time off" and "I'm only allowed 3 weeks of holiday." (Like that's even legal.))

I understand working parenthood, but I don't get why it's a problem. Parents nationwide work full-time, some with stay-at-home partners, but many are in dual-income households. School breaks are difficult, but many parents leave their kids with family or trust them to stay home alone, like our teenagers. This results in many families spending just a few hours together. However, their dad won't do this. He absurdly thinks "I either have the kids 100% or I don’t". He has family who can oversee them if necessary, but he won't accept more.

This hurts the kids, especially M15.

Over the years, she has asked their dad to call twice a week and be available on school holidays; even the court has, but he missed the latest court hearing (who misses a child access hearing?) So, subsequently, he chooses to skip many and only calls once a week, at best.

This has crushed M15. This escalated when he dismissed her new assigned name, her sexuality, and her constant upset. Every step she's taken, he's dismissed her rather than embraced her. So much she now hates seeing him, even when it's twice a year.

The environment there doesn’t help. When they last went down, their dad spent 1:1 activities and multiple days with A12, but M15 was stranded with the family and only had a Costa trip that lasted an hour and a half. For years, he's had a spare bedroom but gifted it to A12, leaving M15 on the sofa. When the opportunity arrived and she voiced her desire for the space, he decided to get a bunk bed so they could share. She never has priority; it is either for A12 or they share, never putting her first.

To fuel the fire, their dad has a new girlfriend. The last one ignored M15, didn't build a relationship, and focused on A12, something their dad knows upsets her. Yet, despite the new one being older enough to be M15's sister and A12 having fewer years between her and him than their dad, the girlfriend spends more time, effort, and money on A12. When we dropped them off for their summer visit, the girlfriend bought A12 a gift but gave M15 nothing, not even a hello. Their dad is oblivious, ignoring the upset on her face.

I don't know if the dad is stupid, ignorant, naive, or if he doesn't notice he and his girlfriend are pushing her away. H warns him, as she has done over the years, but he doesn't change. He favours a short-term rectification, like constantly emptying the water on a sinking boat, rather than fixing the hole.

Returning home has made a big difference.

Following finding out her dad had been phoning A12 and not her, M15 fought back and highlighted it. In his stupidity, he denied it. She told him to check his calls, to which he said he couldn’t on his phone (despite it being easy). She tried to push it again but got shut down. Subsequently, after some days of being upset, she screenshotted it and sent it to him.

She deserves praise for this. She's been strong enough to change and challenge him. However, he's angry; how dare she screenshot proof of his falsehoods and behaviour and hold him accountable? He then has the arrogance to suggest that it's her fault for not communicating more.

He’s the one who is meant to call twice a week and doesn’t, who takes 24 hours or more to reply to her texts, who dismisses everything she says, ignores her when she's trying to talk openly, and shuts her down when she's negative towards him. Shouldn’t he be the one who communicates more, rather than blaming a 15-year-old?

This is it, ladies and gentlemen. Dismiss, ignore, blame, and repeat.

I know many will say, "At least she has you," and yes, she does. She and I love our relationship. We are close and proud to have a Maddy's Girl (Martyn/Daddy = Maddy) relationship, but that doesn't negate her terribly clutching onto the other relationship. It only fills some gaps as a lovely bonus.

I wish she would shut down and stop talking to him to avoid pain, but I know she won't and doesn't want that. She desires that relationship and doesn't want to give it up yet. So, I hope he realises that H has warned him for years about it, that M15 is upset by his favouritism and stupidity, and that he should focus on his daughter instead of grooming young ladies into his future wife. Kids first, always.

I love my daughter. I know he does; I just hope he shows it and does so before it's too late.