Today I am Amazing

Ally did a fantastic post for me the other day about being my friend. She did a fab job but made a point of saying that I hide and underplay a lot of things.

I, like Ally said, don’t do this to be deceitful or even because I am proud; I do this because I don’t necessarily want people to view me as anything other than me.

A few months back I received some very negative comments about me on this blog. At the time I clearly pointed out that I am not the person that they might remember and that over the years I have grown and changed to whom I am today

That doesn’t mean that I don’t have my faults.

I am annoying and need reassurance with big life decisions. 

I question and doubt a lot. 

I am, despite my blog, rubbish at saying exactly what I mean (especially in messages) and need to be more concise. 

I can be stubborn.  

Finally, I struggle with understanding social situations between people.

Saying all of that I still believe that I’m amazing. 

I say this behind no ego at all. For anyone who really knows me will say I have exceedingly low self-esteem and confidence. So you must be confused to why I can make a contradictory statement.

Having a nervous breakdown 2 years ago was extremely humbling! It put a lot of my arrogance and self-belief to the side. In truth I had to start to find out who I was again.

I found this battle between self-esteem, DPD and who I really am.

Take my Physical health.

Muscular Dystrophy sucks. Fact.

Every single day I wake up in pain. My muscles don’t feel refreshed first thing in the morning. They ache and feel tense, EVERY muscle in my body feels like it is trapped within a clamp and by the end of the day they feel hot. This is then coupled with joint pain that goes hand in hand with what’s happening with my muscles and every joint feels like someone is pushing a large object between the two joining bones. 

This, my lovely readers, is a good day. 

Then you have my mental health.

Dependant Personality Disorder sucks. Fact.

Imagine you have someone that you love, that you’re extremely close to. Now imagine that you haven’t heard from them and you see that there has been something terrible happen in an area where you know they are. Would you worry? Would you be feeling panicked and scared? 

That exact feeling is what I feel EVERY day for everyone that I am close to; I just don’t have an event to justify it. 

I worry about what they’re thinking, if they are scared and if in that time did I do everything in my power to be ‘enough’. This is then coupled with anxiety, acceptance, self-doubt and fear (Usually the fear that something about me is pushing that person away once I have let them close)

Then sadly these two health features get blurred.

I don’t say any of this for pity. I am telling you this to open up and not hide aspects of my life.

The biggest battle is actually getting out of bed every morning. I am sure after explaining these parts that you can see why. Yet, every day I get up. Every day I do far more than what is possibly expected. Why? Ultimately neither of my health problems defines me.

So every morning I push the above to the side and be me.

I love cooking and baking (As I am sure you all know.) and without bragging I’m pretty good at it; especially my cheesecake making abilities.

I love drawing and from the feedback I have got you all seem to enjoy my drawings.

I love playing the piano. (Fairly well I assume or I wouldn’t be able to teach it)

These are aspects of me that I love but there’s also so much more. 

I am a Dad to my two boys and I try my hardest every single day to enrich their lives through Home schooling or other activities. I am a son to my father who, not many of you know, has onset dementia. I, at the moment and the last 2 years, have lived with and cared for.

Then there’s just being me. 

I am sarcastic, funny and cheeky. Yet, I also would do absolutely anything for anyone. If I can bring the slightest aspect of support, love or brightness to some one’s life then I will try. Even on Twitter; I make every effort to say thank you for follows and retweets. Why? Because there’s nothing wrong with being polite and brightening up some one’s day.

I am Martyn. I am more than just my health problems. I don’t want pity. I want true and interactions and relationships based on who I am.

I might not always get things correct in my approach but I do try to live every day being just me. The best thing about this though is through everything I have two beautiful boys and some fabulous friends, family and loved ones around me. They too see me for me and that is why, today I am amazing