One to One Time



There’s recently been a slight shift within our co-parenting set up.

Back in October last year James suffered quite badly again with his Asthma and subsequently meant that both their Mum and I were tag-teaming and ended up with one child each. At the time it made perfect sense.

To keep William at home with James seemed unfair on him.

He had been up in the night with the drama, he couldn’t go along and I think, in truth, he was scared, confused and worried like a protective big brother and 6 year old would be. So to add to this we were expecting him to stay indoors all day where James was housebound and hyper, it just didn’t seem fair.

Their Mum took the day off work and stayed with James and I took William.

We had a very generic day and to be honest I don’t think we did anything that exciting. I was there for him and we went at the pace that he needed. We went to the café, chilled, relaxed, cuddled on the sofa and watched a couple of films.

That was until William turned to me and said:

“Daddy, this has been fun, hasn’t it? I like spending time with you, without James, he stress us both out and annoys me. But this has been fun today”

Oh how my heart sunk at that point.

He then continued to say:

“We haven’t been to a café in ages; James is usually silly, isn’t he? But I’ve enjoyed coming here with just you”

My heart sunk once again.  One to one guilt hit me!

Something needed to change!

If I write the phrase “the boys” then you all know who I am on about and in truth I rarely write about them separately: they are always the “Boys” together!

William is the one though that would notice the change. He would, just about, remember the time before we had James. He was also the one for a long time that I had access with after the separation where James was just too young for me to have them both without support physically.

The problem though is that there isn’t really a lot of opportunity to do anything about it. I have my set days with the boys, just as their Mum does. The days I don’t have them I work, just as their Mum does. We have built up a great co-parenting set up, between raising our Children, Home Schooling and working. So when could we find time to do one to one?

As I mentioned before, that was October and we are now 9 months on and every attempt we made just didn’t seem to work.

Yet, we also noticed an increased intensity between them. They seemed, as I am sure all close siblings do, to clash more and although we could understand why it was still a hurdle that we wanted to overcome.

We don’t have that 2.4 family set up where one child, even for a small period of time, could go with the other parent.

Then we had the added negative point of Home School: If they were schooled they would at least be able to carve out their own friendships, within their individual time and when they would get home resume their sibling relationship. But no, that wasn’t possible; the boys were literally spending 24/7 with each other and quite frankly that would drive most people mad!

However, we finally managed to work it out and for the last 3 weeks it seems to be going well.

I have both boys on the first Sunday, then the two following Sundays we have one child each and then on the last Sunday they are both with their Mum.

Surprisingly, the change was instant! People at church, although inquisitive, commented how they seemed much calmer and happier by themselves which seemed to echo through from comments from family we would see.

We haven’t done anything exciting yet but there is still time. Instead we chat, laugh, play and I really am seeing the one child in front of me.  Of course I know my children’s likes and dislikes but there was a sense of finally getting to meet the real them; which I am sure sounds daft but it really felt like it.

Carving out the time isn't always easy in a parent's busy life and can take some planning, but it's of such great value to the relationship.  The child is learning about their world and forming their self-image and sense of themselves and their world through the reflection we give them throughout our days; something they’ve never had before.

It has shown me that when you truly put all else aside, even for a few minutes at a time and really surrender to entering our child's world, at whatever age, it's as if our eyes open wider, our hearts open wider and we can really hear what our child is saying.

This is just the start but I am really looking forward to what will happen next now!