I know many of us as Parents get hit with guilt and in lots
of different ways. It is really horrible.
Some of you may have seen that my youngest James hasn’t been
too well this week due to his Asthma.
With the mild air that comes with autumn, it is usually the
start of the season where it really hits his chest.
Wednesday night his breathing became shallow and quick and
he was taken to hospital by ambulance; luckily though after treatment,
medication and care he was sent home on Thursday morning.
Apart from being pale and grey he was quite lively; all due
to the steroids that he is taken that have appeared to make him hyper.
A decision was made then that this was unfair on William.
He had been up in the night with the drama, he couldn’t go
along and I think, in truth, he was scared, confused and worried like a
protective big brother and 6 year old would and should be. So to add to this we
were expecting him to stay indoors all day where James was housebound and hyper,
it just didn’t seem fair.
Their Mum took the day off work and stayed with James and I
took William. (Bonus of Co-Parenting)
Now, considering the fact that we have very busy days set
out with Home School, and we are usually doing one activity or another, we
rarely have just relaxed days. Yet this is exactly what we had.
We went to the shops and grabbed some snacks and then
decided to watch a film, Alice in Wonderland (2010). In the middle of the film
William clicked on to the fact that they were discussing the previous time that
Alice went there and wanted to know about the other film. So, naturally, we stopped
the 2010 film and watched the 1951 version and continued the prior after.
This was our day. Chilled, relaxed, cuddled on the sofa
eating snacks and watching a couple of films. Ideal.
William then turned to me and said:
“Daddy, this has been fun, hasn’t it? I like spending time
with you, without James, he stress us both out and annoys me. But this has been
fun today”
Oh how my heart sunk at that point.
The yesterday the same thing happened. Sitting in a café and
he turns to me and says:
“We haven’t been to a café in ages; James is usually silly, isn’t
he? But I’ve enjoyed coming here with just you”
My heart sunk once again.
The thing is it has always been William and James. They have
always been “the boys”. If I write that phrase then you all know who I am on
about and in truth I rarely write about them separately.
William is the one though that would notice the change. He
would, just about, remember the time before we had James. He was also the one
for a long time that I had after the separation of his Mum and I, where James
was just too young for me to have them both.
He also had every morning with just him when James went to
nursery and I home schooled William by himself.
The problem though is that there isn’t really a lot of
opportunity to do anything about it. I have my set days with the boys, just as
their Mum does. The days I don’t have them I work, just as their Mum does. We
have built up a great co-parenting set up, between raising our Children, Home
Schooling and working. So when could we find time to do one to one?
It is tough and to be honest I have no real idea of what to
do. I don’t have family that could take one for a little while and swap on
occasional days, so that is out of the window. The only option I can think of
is to hire a childminder to do the job.
It is just something that he clearly picked up on that I
never, prior to now, realised was a problem.
Is this just the life of Siblings? Should I not worry and
just accept that this is the way it is? Or am I missing something obvious where
I can really start doing more one to one activities with William?
33 comments:
We actually realised recently that we don't really spend any time one on one with the girls. So we have started doing one Saturday a month where we each take one and do something with just them, & we switch who has which child each month. Actually, though, toddler will spend all day asking where baby is and when baby is coming! I don't remember ever really doing anything without my sister as a child though (until we were older), and it never bothered me as I recall. Hope James is feeling better now. #bigfatlinky
Guilt guilt guilt guilt guilt. Man I've experienced so much of it recently (it's all on the blog if you're interested!). Too much guilt is a bad thing but it is also a sign we care as parents. Can you imagine writing a blog post saying " I don't know what William's problem is, he's far too sensitive?"
Yes, you should spend some one on one time with James and William individually. Maybe this would involve getting a childminder for a few hours every month or two. But...it is part of being a sibling. I feel bad that Toddler Adams doesn't get as much one on one time as her older sister, Helen.
In fact a while ago I took Helen up to the Natural History Museum and we went round the corner for pizza afterwards (something that's become a bit of a school holiday tradition TBH). Helen remarked to her mum that she was lucky to go to the museum with her dad because I only ever take her sister "to the supermarket". That made me feel a bit bad. Hope James gets well soon and thinks for hosting #BigFatLinky
One to one time is really important and I know how much my boys love it but the reality is that it rarely ever happens. I'm at the pint now where I desperately want some time with my teenage son but he's not interested and I feel I've missed the boat. If you can grab a couple of hours once a month or even a few times a year I would 100% recommend it. I can see your predicament though as the days you do have your guys is so precious. #bigfatlinky
Hi Martyn, funnily enough just this week we've been thinking how we can give our youngest a bit more one to one time too. No easy answers I'm afraid, just empathy! #bigfatlinky
This sounds a bit crappy, I see why William might feel that way if he's used to one on one time. I like Silly Mummy's idea, it sounds like a great option if it's possible. So that you can all share your time equally. part of the reason we are having a big gap between babies is so they get one on one time while they're little but I hadn't thought about when they're older. Or if Oliver might be upset at not getting that time once he goes to school. Food for thought!
#bigfatlinky
Are there any forums where someone may have had the same barriers in sharing 1:1 time? Any local groups?
A childminder seems a good option too. Your time may be limited with co-parenting but then you would have quality and less guilt. And more memories for both you and your boys?
Hope James has made a speedy recovery.
Ah the guilt is awful I agree. It never sits well with me I have to say but I try to both carve out time with all four and then try and justify that to myself. My eldest suffers the most. She is my only girl and craves time with me but we rarely get it. It's hard .#bigfatlinky
Kids seem to know how to make you feel incredibly guilty without even knowing they've done it. Have you considered an after school club at a local school? Perhaps one evening one boy could go, then another the other so both get some one on one time and the other still gets to do something fun too. I imagine it would be a lot cheaper than a child minder too :) Thanks for hosting the #bigfatlinky
Debbie
This is a tough time of year for kids with breathing difficulty. Hope he feels better
Why do we always feel so guilty as parents??? I drive myself insane sometimes. What about an afterschool club or hobby weekly for one so that you can spend time with just the other on a weekly basis? #bigfatlinky
I hear you! I have a great co-parenting situation with my ex too and it is hard to do just one child at a time but we are also fortunate to have my ex's parents take one kid at a time so that one of us can have one on one with the other. Like today, they are taking the teenager so that the ex can spend time with the little one. I feel for you not having someone to turn to for that. One on one is very important. I wish I had some ideas to give you to help you figure it out but I believe you will figure it out. Parent guilt sucks but it also makes us think and come up with ideas on how to combat the problem. Great post! Visiting from #thebigfatlinkyoftheweek
This is a touch one as along one to one time with each child is important, not everyone is able to make this happen due to their circumstances. I don't know if you could speak to your ex and tweak the arrangements so it's possible. Or see if there's an after school activity that they can go to on different days so the other gets a bit of dad time to themselves. Hope you work things out!
I'm so sorry to hear that James was so sick & had to go to hospital, I hope he's feeling better now!!! The only one on one time I have with my kids is if one of them has an appointment I take them to. I enjoy the time with them & I know they do too but none of mine have expressed preferring the time without their siblings. I'd say it's normal though. It's good you had some quality time this week with William - that's the bright side of the week. Thanks so much for hosting!
Tonight we put the toddler to bed and had a movie night with outr 4.5yr old. We do this on a
Friday or Saturday about once a month. We all love the special time together and one late night a month doesn't hurt. Perhaps this is an option with your eldest? #bigfatlinky
Poor James, hope he is feeling better now Martyn. Glad that William had some lovely daddy time all to himself, must have been lovely for you too. xx #BigFatLinky
I feel your pain!! We do 'Special Days' where one parents takes one child and the other takes the other two. The one-to-one team spend a child led day and they LOVE it. We haven't been able to do it for a while due to various logistics but this year they're each going to get a Special Day Voucher for Christmas, where they can book a Saturday with each of us in turn and have some quality one to one time. There's something super relaxing about having the whole day ahead of you rather than an hour. You really get in deep and it's just lovely.
Oh, I worry about this all the time too. I have three children, born in just over four years, and a hubby who works long hours, so one-to-one time is very rare. I worry they miss out. We do try to get one-to-one time where we can, but it's really not easy. Hope James is feeling better now.
I remember this well. M was 5 when D was born,so had a lot of time with me by himself. Then suddenly this baby comes and not only did he have to share after school and weekwnd time with the baby, but he knew the baby had me all to himself during the day. The way I dealt with it was to let M have special time on a friday and saturday evenings one to one when D was in bed. He would be aloud to stay up an hour and a half longer than D, time to watch a film or play a game. #bigfatlinky
My two are still very young, but already I feel this. My toddler is constantly telling me to just put the baby down, or to bed, and come and play. I can imagine it only gets worse. When I was a kid my dad worked full time so my brothers and I didn't get a heap of one on one time with him. The way he managed was to have special hobbies/activities he could do with each of us that were just our thing. With me it was chess. He taught me to play and while the boys were reading or playing a game or whatever he and I would sit and have a game. It was also a great time for a chat. So we kind of got to have that alone time even when we weren't alone. Good luck with it. #bigfatlinky
I'm sorry that you all had to go through that. As a sibling I don't remember any one on one time, though I guess there probably was some. I have the opposite with M being an only child, worrying that we spend too much time together one on one. She has asked for a sibling but I don't think she would like the reality of that. I think that International Elf Service's idea is one that would be worth you trying? If you can't do it regularly it's not because you don't want to or think about how best to parent, it's life, and making it a really special occasion for birthdays and Christmas or whatnot might work. Silly Mummy's idea is a good one too. I hope you find a solution, and that you get some comfort in that it's not just you and it's no reflection on your love for them or your parenting #BigFatLinky
I could have written this post myself! My daughter recently said that she really missed the special time that we had together before she had a brother. It really upset me at the time but we've started letting her stay up later on a Friday night once her brother is in bed so that she and I can have 1 on 1 time and I'm planning specific Mummy and daughter time for us to do something together on Saturday afternoons (which has the bonus of creating Daddy and son time too). I think it's only natural for the older sibling to feel like this if they can remember the time before their brother and sister came along but that said, I feel your pain... thanks for hosting #BigFatLinky
I can remember this feeling as a child myself and I don't have an advice for you unfortunatley but just wanted to say that I'm certain it's harder for the grown up to deal with these feeling than the child. You're a great Dad and I'm sure you'll find a way to have special time with both the boys together and seperately. Just the fact that you are able to see it from their perspecitve is testament to you.
#bfl
Thanks. Yes he is. I'm sure overall it won't matter but shame William mentioned it. We're trying to arrange how now. Hope it works.
Thanks John. That's true. It's a sign we care and want to make a difference.
I'm thinking a child minder might be the way forward.
It's hard isn't it when you hear them.comment on it.
Thank you for understanding. It's difficult. I think that's what worries me. Time will fly by and they're not interested.
Thanks. It's really tough trying to work it out!
It feels crappy but that's guilt for you! We will try hard to manage to do it
That's a great.idea! I'll check forums out! It's not like we don't do lots so I don't mind on activity front and memories just be nice if I can squeeze time in for them.
I don't know how you'd do it with 4!!
I do think.the eldest feels it the most!
That's a good idea. William goes to beavers but that's on a mummy day. Maybe I should try.somwthing similar.
It is. He always suffers.
Thanks. It's a great suggestion that I'll definitely look into!
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