Communication

I did a quick post yesterday and from it one of my lovely readers ( Natalie, @PlutoniumSox, over at PlutoniumSox.com ) had commented about the good relationship that I have with the boys Mum. I had this post in my mind for a while now but thought I would take advantage of considering Natalie's comment.

Communion between Co-Parenting adults is such a necessary thing!

For me, as well as others I am sure, a good communication isn't always an easy thing to get for different reasons.

The key to co-parenting is to focus on your children; Focus on your children only. Yes, this can be very difficult. It means that your own emotions whatever they may be, any anger, resentment, or hurt, must take a back seat to the needs of your children.

Easier said than done though at times.

From my experience: My ex wife and I could spend a lot of time on the phone shouting and being horrible to each other. It was something that we both did. I, possibly, more than her, although we both did it. (I'll get on to why that was later) We would belittle each other rather than just doing what was right; very quickly emotions ran, loose words were said and children became a weapon.

Honestly, possibly only with hindsight and a good relationship with the boys Mum now, setting aside such strong feelings may be the hardest part of learning to work together with your ex partner, but it’s also perhaps the most important . Co-parenting and Communication is not about your feelings, or those of theirs, but rather about your child’s happiness, stability, and what you want for their future.

Try to keep these points in mind:

1.Get your feelings out somewhere else.

Never vent to your child and try not to do it to your ex.

2.Try and stay focused on your Child.

If you feel angry or resentful, try to remember why you need to act with purpose and resolve.

3. Never use children as messengers.

When you have your child tell the other parent something for you, it puts him or her in the centre of your conflict.

4. Keep your issues to yourself.

Never say negative things about your ex to your children, or make them feel like they have to choose.

I, as I mentioned above, found these bits hard. At the time a number of things were going on; I had health problems, both Mental and Physical. Bereavement in the family. Issues with work. It was a rough time. The biggest point though was that she had moved on.

To clarify a bit though; Having a relationship wasn't my problem, however emotionally hurtful it was, and can still be at times, how her new relationships was 'branded' did more to my emotions. Within a few months of separating and dating someone new (if you do) you shouldn't be saying, in anyway, how your new partner is a better parent or how great that person is with your children and what the latest fantastic thing is.

You could argue that in doing this you have a moment of trying to reassure your ex of the new person in your life and in doing so how they are with the children. However; in reality it is brandishing that person, in an already emotional situation, and making your ex feel insecure about their own parenting skills. (Although, admittedly, I probably did this myself, it was also something done to me. But have seen this happen a lot with different separated single parents)

I really don't know how it changed for me and the Boys Mum so don't have a magical quick fix to help. It was about 18 months after we split; someone, somewhere, decided to stop and push forward. ( I'll give the ex credit here as it is really difficult to pin point when or how it happened)

The decision to do so was a relief; I'm sure on both parties side, the the change was good, there suddenly became less friction between us and we just got on as parents.

As you co-parent, you and your ex are bound to disagree over certain issues. Keep the following in mind as you try to come to a mutual agreement with your ex.

Respect can go a long way. Simple manners are often neglected between co-parents, even though they should be the foundation for all co-parenting. Being considerate and respectful includes letting your ex know about school events, becoming flexible about your schedule when possible, and taking his or her opinion seriously. It might sound tedious, but if you disagree about something important, you will need to continue to communicate about the topic.

The most important thing is this: Compromise. You will need to come around to your ex spouse’s point of view as often as he or she comes around to yours. It may not always be your first choice, but compromise allows you both to “win” and makes both of you more likely to be flexible in the future. Remember, and this is the hard bit, it's not about who wins or loses. It is about coming to the best compromise as possible not for your sake but the sake and welfare of your children.