I have had several conversations this week regarding two
different topics: Mental Health and/or Abuse.
I have spoken to both Women and Men about these issues; what
has become apparent though is the reaction between each gender regarding it.
I have never hidden the fact that I have Mental Health
issues or that in the past I have faced different forms of Abuse; I could give
you a range of different names of all the things I have been diagnosed with or
say what I have been through; however I won’t at this time. I have spoken either briefly or openly about
some of these on this blog.
I have made some amazing blogging friends, especially in the
last 6 months, since I started to include all the aspects of me; Home School Educator,
Parenting, Health; Physical and Mental, Dating and Church.
I know that individually you all come here for a variety of
reasons. I love this and I, in return,
have enjoyed reading the different posts that each and every one of you has
written.
Some of these brilliant posts go out and express themselves
fully into their given field. The ones regarding Mental Health or Abuse, for me, open up
and explain such delicate and difficult topics beautifully. Every single one
has shown nothing but pure strength and bravery to speak about something that
not everyone would understand.
I, like I do on all posts I read, always leave a comment showing
how great that particular post was.
I’ve found though that women are often incredibly supportive
to each other on this topic, just as much as they are for men, if they have
read the post. Men can be equally supportive but there are times when you see that
the only thing they can do is comment on the post to show their support rather
than being able to express their own sympathy or empathy.
Now, when it comes to talking about feelings; the male brain
is to blame. Let’s not go into the scientific stuff *yawn* but in general there
is one part of the brain that is larger in women than men. The result is that
women can think and feel at the same time; men naturally separate their
feelings from what they are thinking.
I tried to find a picture example.....But WOW they're so sexist!!
Somewhere in every man is the want to be a Spartan Solider.
We want to be King Leonidas from 300 and we want to see a problem facing us and
know that we can scream “We are Sparta!” *Kicks the problem square in the chest*
Ultimately what I am saying is this; women aren't the only
ones who are urged to behave in certain ways due to their gender. Men are also
conditioned by the media, their friends, and family. Some, including myself at
times, believe that they aren't supposed to show their feelings and so they don't.
I know that I can be extremely open at times about my mental
health but there are also moments where I completely hide away from it where I don’t
feel comfortable talking. This is usually through fear and judgement about the
topic or that I will possibly get generic answers or comments.
Sadly, the other night, whilst I was doing a clean of my
blog before my transfer to WordPress this weekend, as well as some others,
I deleted a few of my past Mental Health posts. This is something that has
played on my mind since and I honestly wish that I hadn’t. After reading some I
fell in to the thought of “No one wants to read this” and “Men shouldn’t talk
about these things”
I realise now, in hindsight, how wrong I was.
Although I still have about 5 posts sitting in my draft box
that I wish that I could publish there is one thing which is certain; I won’t hiding it
away any more. If I write and publish a post I do knowing that I am including it as part
of me; I mean my Blog is called “Inside Martyn’s Thoughts” It should cover all
of me not just the bits that I am proud of or 'fit' with a certain criteria.
In the meantime I would like to talk to the men out there, regular
readers or not, it is OK to talk.
It might not be easy. The fact that you want to shows the strength that you do
have and if you want a sympathetic or empathetic ear then please don’t hesitate
in dropping me a line. Either on here or Twitter @mr_kitney
23 comments:
I could not agree more Martyn. That is the sole reason I set up Thedadnetwork. To show that it's ok to talk about emotions and emotional experiences and also to provide a support network for dads to have a safe space to talk and share thoughts and feelings. Good on you for all the support you give others and for the great job you are doing :)
Thanks for your comment Al.
I know that places like The Dad Network provide a safe and secure place for Men and Dads to talk. The fact it's there is fantastic and a great separator at moving forward to getting men to talk more. Even now though I find it still difficult to talk. We are so conditioned to not express that opening up, even somewhere we are comfortable, is difficult.
I'll always offer support to others. What has become apparent is that I also shouldn't hide and if necessary lead by example at times.
I agree whole heatedly, it is often frowned upon for men to speak/open up, but it is still important that we do. As a sufferer of mental health issues (hopefully behind me) and I have never been afraid to talk about it (although some elements have remained private so far).
I actually believe some of the stigma is starting to disappear, things like OCD and depression are much more often talked about now than say 10 years ago.
Thanks for commenting Ashley.
I agree there are less stigma on a lot of topics now which is great but I still feel that there are stigma attached to men and talking about it. It is important that we do as it's horrible to feel that you go through it along and misunderstood. The more we speak the more these barriers will fall. I don't tend to talk openly about especially to other men. If I do talk it's due to like minded women as I know they will understand and react differently. Tried once with a male friend but sadly it fell in to the stereotype. But I truly believe that the more Men talk the more comfortable it'll become.
I agree, but then you know I do because I've expressed my utter admiration for you when you do talk. We all have emotions, just because you are a man doesn't mean yours should be compressed or numbed, they're as real as my feelings and emotions xx
I know and the fact that you always listen and express your pride in me is always such a great thing for me. :-)
definitely agree situations and emotions happen to everyone not just women. It's about time we start trying to be open and change this opinion x
Spot on as usual Martyn. I can say I'm guilty of not expressing my feelings. It makes me feel too vulnerable at times. I'm trying my hardest to share with my boys that it's ok for them to talk about things.
Thanks Mike. I think we are all guilty of this. The feeling of vulnerability is horrible. But we all feel it and if we could express ourselves more we wouldn't feel so vulnerable. I think you sharing that with your boys is how we, as a society, will change this in the future.
This might be the best thing I've ever read of yours, as a fellow divorcee you know the roller coaster emotional journey you have to go through. I learned to embrace it after I got my head wrapped around it. My circle of friends is probably 60-70% women now, they all looked out for me while going through the divorce and the best thing I learned about myself is NOBODY IS AS TOUGH AS THEY THINK THEY ARE when faced with adversity. Opening up is nothing to be ashamed of and doesn't make you any less of man!
Thank you Gary for your kind words.
Being a divorcee is one of the many emotional rollercoasters I have faced in my life. It is amazing how many different things that happen to you in your life can change the way you act. Like you; I have a larger concentration of female friends than I do male. I think on a whole they are far more empathetic and, Like you, they have all looked after me in one way or another. You put it perfectly; Nobody is as tough as they think, especially when faced with adversity.
Opening up definitely doesn't make you less of a man! I couldn't agree more. It is a shame though that we cant always feel that we are able to. But in time, I believe, that we will be able to. And at that time turn to whoever, gender differences aside, and just talk about what we are going through.
Men definitely should talk about things and you should never feel like you shouldn't be able too. Everyone is equal in my opinion :)
Thanks for commenting Amy . Definitely agree. Everyone should be comfortable to talk
What a refreshingly honest post that will help men, it's a shame men aren't more open, this will hopefully encourage them to be. Thanks for linking up to #brilliantblogposts x
Thanks for commenting and for your kind words.
It is a shame but it's about time more men do talk and open up. I hope this does help more Men, and women, to talk and share!
Martyn... this is a brilliant post. Thanks for writing it. It is so true as well. Men are conditioned by society to be strong and contained. To be Spartan! But this is so sad. I have found so much support from talking about my depression. It is part of me. It doesn't define me but it has certainly influenced the woman I am today. I hope that your post inspires more men (and women) to open up about their feelings. As Bob Hoskins used to say in the BT advert: "it's good to talk"! Hugs Mrs H xxxx
Thanks for commenting Mrs H. :-) and for your kind words. The response on here and from social media has been so amazing. Have received emails or direct messages from men opening up and it's truly amazing. Men are conditioned, just as much as women are, but we some how forget that we are still human in the same way and that should be able to share with anyone. All of my mental health is part of me. Occasionally, as the post said, I forget it. I forget and fall back into the stereotype and I regret it. I want to push forward. This post has helped me with that and I hope it helps many men do the same. It is definitely good to talk :-)
Interesting post Martyn. Having mental health issues myself I understand your point. I've not reached the point of being ready to discuss it myself, part of the problem I know. For now I'll keep taking the happy pill and trying to keep all the balls in the air.
Thanks. It's difficult topic to talk about let alone for men. I I do talk openly now a days but not as much as I would on here though but will try more. Keeping yourself going is always a good thing. But if you ever do choose to talk am always around to listen.
Good job, Martyn. Keep it up. When it becomes easier to let go of, rather than hold on to, thoughts and feelings, then the healing begins. Part of me believes that men are traditionally less likely to open up and share feelings, but my experience has been that when I've gone through difficult times, men have been very supportive. I am in a unique situation now that I work closely with about 15 guys and because of the nature (and hours!) of work, I have become close with some of them. Some, I just don't like, but most I feel empathy for and feel confident they feel the same for me. Even though I may be thousands of miles away, I support and respect you for your struggles and journey, and for your courage and strength to continue and persevere. Good luck, buddy. All the best, Jeff
I whole heartedly agree with you. There is a stigma attached to men with regards to opening up and it's wrong. Bottling up feelings of any kind can be toxic regardless of gender. I know this only too well. It's an uphill battle alot of the time, my friend. But please try to remember that there is support out there should you so need it. Perception and pressure are terrible restrictions on a person especially those struggling with mental health issues.
Take care
wanna know how girls think when men ignore them?https://kovla.com/blog/25-ridiculous-thoughts-a-girl-thinks-if-a-guy-isn-t-answering-her-messages/ then read my article about it!its funny!
Well said, Martyn...Well said. How important is this message to everyone, yes, including women as we help raise the next generation of young men. I tell my sons that it is ALL RIGHT to feel, cry and want to talk. It is as much for them as it is for the people around them who love them and who want to support them as well.
Completely agree. I talked about my own struggle with pregnancy and labour recently on my blog. Not a topic I would historically have felt comfortable talking about, especially with my mates down the pub. Talking about it was ultimately what I needed, a valuable lesson learned.
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