Thursday 19 February 2015

Daddy I Hate You!



These last two weeks have been extra hard on me as a parent.

I know I am usually the parent of full of joys but this week I'm not.

Last Monday I heard the most heart breaking words that any parent could hear. "I Hate You!"

This came from my eldest and shortly after by my youngest; there wasn't any reason for it, well not that I could see.



I haven't changed how I am with them; I have kept my normal routine, had my normal boundaries and have listened to their opinions as much as I can. So where did it come from? They had both expressed and explained their anger, as well as their feelings, for me. But it didn't have a seemingly valid reason. From what I could tell they were angry and wanted to express themselves in the only way they knew how.

I am not going to lie it was truly heart breaking; the fact that it came from William first made it particularly hard. I love both my boys equally they are both amazing in lots of different ways but with William being older we have always had this special bond. The older he's got and the more like me he is and just made us incredibly close.

Out of the two boys it was William that was the cuddly one. The one who of an evening would want to cuddle up before bed. He was the one to always check that I was OK and the one who would consider others. However these last two weeks non of these things have been true and the little boy that I've just mentioned doesn't seem to be present; I don't know why.

After thinking about it I put it down to him just having a 'moment' and he truthfully didn't think about it and it was just one of those horrible moments. Gave myself a talking to "Let it go Martyn, shrug it off"

This week came rolling round and I have to admit I was excited to have them. I missed the boys and especially after the bad (ish) week before and I thought "great; new week, new start, half term, fun for all"

Oh how I was wrong:

This has turned out to be a worse week than the previous one.

I have heard these sentences:

"Are you Mummy? No, then you cant talk to me like that"

"You're horrible, Mummy lets us do anything and you are always mean"

"I hate you and don't want to be here anymore"

"Do you actually think you're being good? No, you're not, you're really annoying me"

"Mummy and S think you're an idiot and so do I!"

"When are we going to Mummy's I don't want to be here today"
(I would like to point out that I have spoken to their Mum and she has reassured me that they only ever talk positively about me in front of the Boys and she, especially, tells them how much I love them and these sentences don't reflect any behaviour in her household)
I have also had demands for Chocolate and Sweets and even had an entire plate of food tipped on to the floor because they didn't want to eat it and wanted to give it to the dog.
This is also part of non-stop arguing, fighting, high maintenance demands and just what I would class as unruly behaviour.
I will admit that on Monday I actually walked out of the room, fighting back the tears and then, when clear, i cried; a couple of times.
I had no idea what to do, no idea where this has come from and honestly had no back up. (Downside of being a single parent for you)
This has been one of the most heart breaking two weeks of being a parent and I honestly thought that it would take at least until they were teenagers for them to decide that they hated me.

Definitely one sad Daddy.
Anyone else had moments like this? Has anyone else been told that they are hated by their children? Or should I just surrender, take a deep breath and start again next week?

All advice is appreciated.

Single Parent Pessimist

32 comments:

Unknown said...

Sorry you're going through this Martyn. Children love to push boundaries. Those 3 little words hurt so much. I get it from my 5 sometimes, but how do you react to it? I too have left the room a few times or sent them to their rooms for some thinking time. I get I hate you, I want mummy or just screams mummy I want you, daddy hates me (had that this morning). However, one thing I will not do is bow down to their demands. It won't always be like this (I hope anyway). You're doing a great job, keep at it :)

Anonymous said...

I felt like this the first time my partners boys said this to me. I also got "You can't tell me what to do, you're not my father" this hurt especially as their father has nothing to do with them. His choice.
Then I spoke to my mother and she said something that made perfect sense. "If your child says this to you, you are doing your job as a parent right"
After thinking about it, she is right. Children only say this when boundaries are being set. Which is our job as parents. Now when the boys say it. I smile to myself.
My own son hasn't said it yet. I'm sure the day will come though.

Anonymous said...

Poor you - that is a seriously tough week but I think you handled it really well. My little guy is only 1 but I've certainly had times when I've felt he hates me (almost always when my husband is away) and I think every parent can sympathise with the need to take yourself off and have a good cry sometimes...we're doing the most amazing yet frustrating job possible and managing that without a back up is no easy task. Sending you a big hug and hhoping this week is a better one for you x

Unknown said...

Fortunately I haven't experienced this yet, and pray I never have to. Just remember divorced children at that age are going to see how much they can get away with, no matter who the parent is, and aren't savvy enough yet to know words can hurt. Keep your head up, you are doing an awesome job with them with the home schooling and church involvement!

Martyn Kitney said...

Thank you Tommy. I never knew how hard this would be until I went through it. Was horrible. The good out weighs the bad with them but the bad sucks. I'm sure I'll get more of it but this initial time was hard.

Martyn Kitney said...

Thank you. I never saw it that way before. I suppose the fact that they have routine and boundaries to push against must mean I'm doing ok.
I hope it doesn't come fir you but at least you know about it because of the other boys.

Martyn Kitney said...

Thank you for your kind words. Glad you can sympathise. It's tough isn't it. Especially when you haven't got the back up. But you're right we're doing an amazing but frustrating job.

Martyn Kitney said...

Thank you Gary! It's tough I hope that you don't go through it but as you said they don't quite realise what affect their words really have yet. And thanks for your kind words i try my best to do what I can with them!

Unknown said...

Heartbreaking for sure. I've never been in your shoes. My oldest is 3 and I haven't had to go through divorce. I can't imagine how hard that is. Hang in there Martyn. My advice would be to keep reinforcing how much you love them through your actions and words. Stand strong behind your "No's" though. Keep trying to be on the same page with their mother and ask her to please be positive with her words even when she thinks they aren't listening. I'll say a prayer for you.

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks Casey. It is tough and very difficult. I'm not changing my parenting styles at all. I'll stay the same. Their mum and I do have good communication between each other which does help.

Ashley Beolens said...

I can't recall the first time my kids told me they hate me, or how many times since 9too many to count), I think it starts as a phase which they grow out of and then turns to a reaction to a telling off, but it isn't meant really. The truth is that they, as young people, just don't have the words that they really mean to express, and this is the easiest way.

I'd suggest talking to them and explaining how it makes you feel, but after a while it becomes water off a ducks back, and you'll know it isn't meant to hurt. Tough as the first few can be.

Martyn Kitney said...

Thank you Ashley for your kind words and your advice! Greatly appreciated!

Unknown said...

Kayla acts up exactly how you have described. She pushes boundaries, plays us off each other etc.
Sit down and tell them how it makes you feel. Thats what I did. She'said hasn't said it since.
BIG hugs Xx

Kim Carberry said...

They really don't hate you....It is just a phase...My girls have both been through it and sometimes my 7 year old will say it when she can't get her own way and I know for a fact my eldest thinks it when I tell her she can't do something like get a Facebook account...lol She has got the hang of not saying it out loud to spare my feelings.
Sending hugs!

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks Kellie. Glad it's not only me that this happens to that is a massive comfort. Thanks for the advice too I'll try it :-)

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks Kim. When you're in the middle of it then it's difficult to distinguish the difference between them hating and it just being a phase though. Good to know though that others have gone through it definitely reassuring. Well at least she's trying to spare your feelings now lol that's something :-)

Plutonium Sox said...

Oh no :( I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. No advice I'm afraid. Libby does have her moments of spouting rubbish about how horrible I am. I tend to use the "call my bluff" approach, pointing out that things can change. E.g when being mean to her sister I ask if she wants to keep lia (always yes). When she won't let me work when her dad is looking after her, I ask if she'd prefer it if someone else looked after her and I'll go back to work, etc. Not sure it would work on older children but Libby seems to be learning to be a bit more grateful for things / situations / people.x

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks for commenting Natalie. I tried the calling your bluff then. But they got excited and happy about it. So didn't quite have the response I wanted. James considered it but William didn't have any of it. Lol smart lad.

Unknown said...

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this with your boys, Martyn. Although they are too young to grasp the meaning and impact of those words, it doesn't make it hurt any less. Unfortunately I don't have any great advice to offer. I only have to say, keep being the wonderful, caring father that you are. Continue to show your boys love, and don't put up with any unacceptable behaviour. And confirm that there is continuity between the rules in your home and your exes home.

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks Mathew and for your kind words. I won't change how I am with them and will always stay the same Dad loving with boundaries.

Anonymous said...

My mother's most useful advice was "It's just a phase". It helped with pretty well every distressing change in behaviour, and if you can hold this in your mind, I am sure it will help you too. Good luck, because I know it is not easy :)

Lakes Single Mum said...

My kids do this and they don't even see their other parent! Its a horrid thing kids do and they don't realise how much is hurts. Hopefully they will learn soon not to do it x

Single Parent Pessimist said...

I am waitin for this day to come!
Will be awful but I will try to remember it's just words and they are doing it to try to hurt us and gain some power back. I never said it to my parents but I got close to it at time lol
#singleparentlinky

Martyn Kitney said...

Thank you for commenting. I hope it is just a phase I do keep telling myself that. It is far easier to justify it as one after buy not always in the middle of the situation.

Martyn Kitney said...

Well I'm glad in some way that it's not only me that experiences this!! It is a horrid thing that they say. I hope for the same too. Thanks for commenting!

Anonymous said...

Hi Martyn, firstly it sounds like you're doing an amazing job. I can only imagine how much it hurt to hear those words from your son. When I was reading your post something struck me so I wanted to share it with you. Do you think your eldest is actually missing you a lot when he's not with you and frustrated that you don't live with him full time and taking this out on you? Maybe his behaviour is actually a cry out for more attention? He is getting older now and needing more father/son time perhaps. I know it's hard with two boys but is there any way you can speak to their mum about organising to have some one on one time with just him. Have you heard of 'love bombing', I wrote a post on it recently and I think it could help you both. Stick with it and keep your chin up, this will pass. xx

Unknown said...

I once read something that said if your children didn't say they hated you at some point then you were doing something wrong. ;) I go by that! Just keep muddling along and I'm sure it's just something that all children say to get a reaction. (My eldest told me she hated me this week too so I do feel your pain.)

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks for commenting Claire! It's horrible when it happens even if you can justify it as words. Hasn't got any easier yet but I'm hoping it's just a phase.

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks for commenting! It's difficult. He has his mum's partner who is potentially his step dad although I know they're relationship isn't always best. Not in comparison to my youngest for example. We do get a lot of daddy and son time with him being home schooled but that being said it's structured and not always a clear bonding experience and definitely doesn't involve love bombing. I might try it. I know of it but have never necessarily thought we weren't having that one to one but now I think of it then maybe we ate schooled and shared time with my youngest so will try it.

Martyn Kitney said...

I hope that's true!! It's difficult as you will know. In the moment its worse but I try to rationalise it after but after a few bad days it makes it difficult. But a lot of people have said the same so that's comforting.

Unknown said...

Not had that phrase, but have had 5yo say 'I hate myself' which is heartbreaking, and they both go through favourite phases where they just want me or Matt. Kids test boundaries. They want to push to see if you are the strong superhero they assumed when they were littler. As they get older they notice our flaws, illnesses and ultimately often start to question and fear our and their mortality. Out of fear comes anger, and lashing out at what they love and fear losing. Hang in there, it will pass, and resurge, many times. The old acorn of they are not being trouble, they are having trouble is helpful. Don't let them push you away - they are testing you without realising they are doing so. Love bombing is useful - try to spend an afternoon or a day totally focused on them and what they want to do. Get them to set sensible limits eg budget, and plan everything. Don't panic. It's to get us ready for surviving teenagers perhaps

Familymakes said...

My youngest sounds like William - the cuddly, affectionate one, and therefore the emotional one. So he is the one who usually hates things - his home, his family. He's the one who wants to pack his bags and live with someone else when things aren't going his way. I think it's normal. It is, as others have said here, pushing boundaries. It's hormones sometimes. It's working through their feelings and working out how to deal with anger and frustration. Unfortunately as parents, it always gets directed as us. You always hurt the ones you love, as they say. It will pass, and when it does, I'm sure you'll find the words to tell your boys how hurtful it was and help them to choose better words to express their anger and frustration in future. Hang on in there Martyn, we're all with you xx