- I have had a lot of negativity around me recently; a lot of problems aimed at me or because of me.
Sometimes it’s difficult in life because you can create a
negative circle; you may receive some negative comments from some people that
then affect your self-esteem. From that you may revert into yourself or, the
opposite where, you can lash out at the people that are closest to you.
Recently, for me, all of the above has been true; a few
weeks ago I received negative comment after negative comment and from that I started
to sink lower in the stages of my self-esteem. (I spoke briefly about it in my
post regarding dating here.)
In receiving negative comments that were directed at me I admit
it was difficult to see and read and even more difficult to shrug off subsequently
I slipped into myself. In doing so I instantly, due to me Dependant Personality
Disorder, reached out to the people closest to me. The problem is that just
because things happen to me that it doesn’t mean that others’ lives will stop
and they will immediately help you, this much, I know and completely
understand. However; because of this fact it is incredibly easy to feel
rejected and uncared for even if this fact is completely wrong. Arguments and
falling out quickly transpired.
We all do it though and it isn’t something that I can
necessarily blame on my personality disorder. If it was solely that then there wouldn’t
be the common phrase “You only hurt the ones you love”
Once you’ve entered into these scenarios though you quickly
get caught up in a cycle of arguing, negative comments, retaliation and anger;
all things that I personally detest.
At my lowest points though I start to feel like I am losing
parts of myself; I completely forget who I am or at least want to be because I feel
consumed and suffocated by negativity either from outside influences or my own
inner negative side and start to believe that is who I really am.
When I had my breakdown back in 2012 I had a weeks’ worth of
Art therapy; something that I embraced fully because I had worked in that
field. We explored a fictional character, the first that popped into my head. (Mine
was Bigwig from Watership down)
We drew and painted different perspectives of Bigwig;
eventually we looked and analysed his character strengths and flaws and it was incredibly
remarkable to see how much I could relate to him. In the story, Bigwig does
what he must to fight the evil General Woundwort showing his own physical,
intellectual and mental strength relying on him knowing who he was; especially
in the middle of a dark fight.
So today I am doing the same and I am going to list my
strengths to know that I have some value and self-worth.
So here they are:
- I am extremely loyal and will do anything to protect the ones I love or care for.
- I wear my heart openly and outwardly and will always do my best to show, through actions or words, the people around me that I care for them.
- I am funny and sarcastic (Maybe the latter isn’t quite strength but I enjoy it)
- I am clever; I know my IQ and I know that I am smarter than some and that through my intelligence that I have achieved some amazing things, my extended education for one.
- I am a good father; I may struggle and find aspects of it difficult but as a single, stay at home, disabled parent I do one hell of a job.
- I am musically gifted and can play more instruments than I would always happily admit (Ask me sometimes though it is an interesting side bit)
- I can draw; love my drawing and, again, it is something that I know that I am pretty good at.
- I DO have friends who care and want me in their lives; even if at times I feel like I am completely alone.
- And finally; I am a great listener and friend to those who need support and will never turn my back on someone if they need help.
It might not always be straightforward or even that clear at
times that I am these things but if I can hold onto these tightly then I know
that all the negative comments are worthless and are not a true reflection of
me, truthfully, showing what others believe is wrong and that they don’t fully
know me at all. I may, potentially and hopefully, be able to rebuild myself in
the right direction.
Do you ever have to remind yourself of the good things in
you rather than allow negativity to creep in? Do you do things that promote the
true you, things that you enjoy?
6 comments:
Finding the positive in things is NEVER easy, so well done for trying to get something positive from something negative. And well done for having the confidence to post your strengths/positives, personally I find that harder than admitting my weaknesses.
Thanks Ashley. It's difficult. I, like you, find it harder than admitting my weaknesses especially when my mind is darker than other days. But it's a good place to start recognising the good first.
Great blog post Martyn. It's always good noticing the positives. Generally as a rule, you'll be the last person to notice good bits.
Hi Martyn, I think a lot of people will identify with much of what you have said, and I agree with Ashley. It's uncomfortable hearing anything positive, even more so when you're not in the right place to believe it. I had a look into dependent personality disorder and ended up on http://www.psymed.info/ who have lots of tests for various things.
Thanks Tommy. That's the point am here trying to set some ground work to keep recognising bits especially when it's the hardest.
Thanks for commenting. I hoped that would be the reaction; people would be able to relate to aspects of it, mental health problems or not. Thanks for the link. I checked it out and did the test and it came back positive as I expected. I'm hoping soon though to start treatment in some way.
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