Thursday 7 May 2015

Lets Talk about Sex Baby


“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
 
Yes my very bright 6 year old asked me recently this question, luckily I was prepared for it although there was obviously part of me that had that panic; every aspect of my mind imploded and screamed. Yet I thought I would take some time to discuss it:


(Oh how I am about to show my age)

“Let’s talk about sex for now to the people at home or in the crowd, it keeps coming up anyhow, Don't decoy, avoid, or make void the topic, Cuz that ain't gonna stop it” Salt and Pepper
I remember this song coming out when I was in my early teens and even then I was probably a bit young mentally to really understand it.

My Sex Education was poor; we didn’t get any real discussion at school about sex until I was 14 and even then, from what I remember, it really wasn’t that informative. I’m not sure if this was because I went to an all-boys secondary school and any word associated with sex made us all giggle or because actually the education was poor.
At home it was a taboo subject; we never had “the talk”. The closest thing to it was my Dad throwing a porn magazine at me when I was 13 and said:

“Look at this and if you have any questions ask your brother”
Role on 2010 and I remember there being a big debate in a staff meeting to decide as an independent school if we were going to take on board the Government suggestion of Sex Education in Primary schools.

At the time the guidelines suggested:

Age 5-7 - puberty, relationships and how to keep safe
Age 7 - 11 - puberty, relationships including marriage, divorce, separation, same sex and civil partnerships and managing emotions and dealing with negative pressures

Age 11 - 14 - Sexual activity, human reproduction, contraception, pregnancy, STDs including HIV/Aids and high risk behaviours, relationships, including those between old, young, girls, boys and same sex

Age 14 - 16 - Body image and health, choices relating to sexual activity and substance misuse, and the emotional well-being, reducing risk and minimising harm, parenting skills and family life, separation, divorce and bereavements, prejudice and bullying
I remember the meeting being quite heated; the Head teacher took a neutral stance to listen to all of our opinions and surprisingly, well from my point of view, all apart from myself were against the introduction of it with the belief that children under the age of 10 shouldn’t be educated in the scheme.

Now I can understand, to some extent, why this was their view. However, it wasn’t like we were suggested to start letting 5 year olds watch feature length porn films with me freeze framing aspects describing what’s happening. Of course not, we’re talking about age appropriate education, language and content. The problem is that many people, including teachers, see it as an uncomfortable subject to approach when realistically it doesn't need to be.

 
The idea is to have a basic understanding that gradually builds year on year with the end aim being that all children have a rounded and informative understanding. It will also inform and educate about the importance of respect of their bodies as well as others, human right and equality as well as all areas of safe sex.

Don’t we all want this for our children?
So how did I approach this with William?

I sat down with him and told him that babies were grown inside Mummies tummies and that both a Mummy and a Daddy have special eggs that join together which grow into a baby. We then went to library and borrowed “A special Cuddle” which outlines how parents have a close relationship so a baby can be born. I also reinforced topics about not keeping secrets, the RSPCC campaign Think PANTS.
I was obviously pleased to also see that this is a subject approached by other parents recently and the lovely International Elf Service recently did this post

The best part reading this was:
“The subject does naturally crop up again from time to time and as they get older you just adapt how and what you say.  The subject of hydraulics caused quite a few giggles. Try to answer their questions when they ask so it doesn’t become a big ‘thing’ in your head.”

Loved this because the fundamental thing of not making it a thing in our minds and to just be aware that it will happen.
For me the Salt and Pepper lyric above says it all:

“Don't decoy, avoid, or make void the topic, Cuz that ain't gonna stop it”
And it is for that reason that I am always O.K to have the sex talk with my boys.

Have you thought about it the ultimate question from your children?

How would you approach it? Would love to hear your views!

 
The Dad Network

53 comments:

NKB said...

Mine popped Beethoven 2nd on the telebox the other day, that has related content. She turned away at any mushy moments!

Through Ami's Eyes said...

Love this post! Once again another corker :)
I must admit...I am so glad that Bubba is only 8 months so I don't really need to worry about this too much yet but I said to Hubby the other day, how and when do we tackle the who keeping yourself safe whilst young thing.
Very useful blog :)
Ami
My Mummy Spam

Unknown said...

Bot gonna lie I do dread it in a way because I tend to say to much and I don't want to scar Aidan for life haha.. You handled it really well though!

Angela Milnes said...

Interesting Subject! My six year old started asking all about how babies were made so I taught her the basics as age appropriately as I could. I enjoyed your post and reading the age and stage recommendations!

Angela xx

Here is my Post "A trip to the library and Sex Education" http://wp.me/p5XRN6-55

Ashley Beolens said...

I'm a firm beleiever in honesty being the best policy with kids if they ask you answer, of course you have to make it age appropriate but denying, claiming storks or cabbage patches really does not help :)

Oh and I recall that song.

Unknown said...

I've had this conversation with Will lots of times, particularly recently as i was sterilised. I was honest with him, in a child friendly way. its important to me that he knows the truth, so that he doesn't pick up on rumours in the playground. hes a sensible child anyway but I'm hoping that by keeping the lines of communication open now, he will have the confidence to ask his questions as he gets older. :)

Unknown said...

Great post Martyn! Love the age stage guidelines - I didn't know about those so that was really informative. Your boys are very luckily to have such a wise and open Dad. I've included the link to this post in my sex post too, so hope that's ok :)

Martyn Kitney said...

Haha I use to be the same with the mushy stuff lol I wonder what the boys will be like when they're older.

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks Ami! You're little one is still small but you'll have all this to come! There's loads of great stuff about keeping safe etc. And you can always come and pop back here ;)

Martyn Kitney said...

Haha it does have that little but of dread to it. Lol poor Aiden....might traumatise him!

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks Angela . I think age appropriate discussions are best but with honesty as well. I'll check your post out soon.

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks Ashley! I agree....I won't fantasise it with storks etc it just makes it complicated further down the long. Am glad I'm not the only one to remember the song.

Martyn Kitney said...

I think that's it as well. Keeping an open honest communication will build an confidence between you two. It'll make it better than rumours etc
It's quite easy to talk openly without going to indepth

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks! The age guidelines are great and are a good way to clear any worries amongst parent about what to share. Thank you I hope they are. And no worries happy to link the posts together.

Mama, My Kid Doesn't Poop Rainbows said...

That's a real shame the school was against sex ed for younger kids. I'd rather they were informed properly as opposed to relying on each other in the playground. I plan to try to have open chats when they come up. I'm hoping that if I'm open when he's younger he'll feel able to come to me about this stuff when he's older.

#bigfatlinky

Unknown said...

Great post Martyn. I've thought about it and they way you described it is exactly my thoughts about how I would. I'm surprised at the school no one wanted their little ones to know. I think if the little ones have the questions you need to be prepared!! I mean peppa pig has babies in Mrs rabbits tummy and she goes to hospital etc! They will pop up!! Xx #bigfatlinky

Lisa (mummascribbles) said...

You handled it brilliantly. I'm a while off being at this stage but when it does happen, hopefully I'll be as cool as you were and remember this post!? #bigfatlinky

Lianne said...

Great post. I wish I read this a few months ago unlike you I was clueless how to adequately answer questions my 5 year old had. I wasn't prepared at all. I did however come across the NSPCC - PANTS campaigne. I thought this was great an made a difficult convocation allot easier to discuss. I want to be better prepared in the future and able to have discussions with my children. Your post has helped me to open my eyes a bit. #TheBigFatLinky

Unknown said...

With my older ones, I approached it in a similar way with mummy and daddy and eggs. However, there wasn't as much about staying safe like the NSPCC campaign so I didn't even think about this. (My older ones are 19, 17 and 15). My six year old hasn't asked yet but I'm sure she will soon and I know that I will be looking at the pants campaign for help when she does.

Unknown said...

This is one of those steps in parenting that I am scared of reaching. My girl is only 1 so it's a while off yet, but I would just have no idea where to start. Children do need to learn how to be safe though and hopefully this will help people talk to their kids more. #BigFatLinky

Martyn Kitney said...

It was a shame but I think they've gone back on that now. Or at least I hope they have. I think that is best. Open chats is the key to having a good relationship to bits when they're older.

Martyn Kitney said...

Haha love that you justified it with Peppard pig. ;) I couldn't agree more. Be prepared and talk openly where you can.

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks lisa. It's surprisingly scary but needs to be done. It'll happen at some point with you but I'm sure you'll handle it well.

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks lianne. It's difficult to be aware sometimes om how you approach it. I'm lucky that my job at the time broached a lot of things including this for me to form an opinion and be prepared. The NSPCC campaign is great for safety. :) thanks for commenting

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks. I'm glad I'm not the only one to approach it that way. The NSPCC offers so many great and easy ways to tackle subjects so is always worth looking at them. Good your youngest hasn't asked yet bit I'm sure the time will come.

Martyn Kitney said...

Don't be scared. It happens and when she's older it'll happen sooner than you think. Being aware of it and mentally prepare without worry of the 'big question'
Hope you visit back when she's older and have another read. :)

Unknown said...

My 2yo is just grasping the fact that boys have 'winkies' and girls don't.

Great post. I didn't realise that education was broken up into so many smaller chunks, and spread out over so many years, but I can see how it makes perfect sense.

#bigfatlinky

Lewis@Dadwhoblogs said...

With my kids being so young I can't honestly say how we will apprrroach this. I'm pretty open an honest when it comes to things like this. I think talking in code or using nicknames can cause confusion so need to be straight up...(Stop giggling).
I hope of course this isn't talked about for quite a while and even now I am glad I only have boys! lol
#BigFatLinky

jeremy@thirstydaddy said...

this may be a time to break out the "go ask your mother" card but I doubt that will work for me. I think being somewhat honest is important. The last thing I want is my little girl learning this stuff in the playground

Unknown said...

I'm not dreading this question but scared as to how to breech it. M knows that babies are in tummies but obviously is too young to know how they got in there. I tell her they come out with a bang and the belly gets so big it bursts. I might have to think about this and maybe just send her to her dad!! :-) #bigfatlinky

Martyn Kitney said...

Haha It'll all start happening now. Lol
Yeah the age set up is good for allowing to build upon. It makes it easier for them to understand and at an age appropriate level.

Martyn Kitney said...

Haha straight up ;)
I think you're right it's good not to muddle things with code, names or stories. Honesty is always best o think lol

Keep hold of that hope that they don't ask too soon.

Martyn Kitney said...

Haha that's a good card to play but use it wisely lol I think it's right to prefer to tell them rather than being muddled by playground rumours.

Martyn Kitney said...

Haha send her to her dad if you need to lol I think it is something to think about. I'm glad I had the above guide to see by id worry that I might share too much.

Cuddle Fairy said...

I'm surprised at the suggestion of information per age. I'm not looking forward to these talks but they have to be done!! You handled it so well, I think it's great that you added not keeping secrets etc, that's so important. #BigFatLinky :)

Random Musings said...

I agree its important to start fairly early, especially as kids are growing up so much faster. I remember us having sex ed in school and at least one girl was already pregnant! Thanks for hosting the #bigfatlinky
Debbie
www.myrandommusings.blogspot.com

Jenni said...

A great post, though I feel lucky at the minute that Boo is too young for this so I have a while to prepare what I am going to say!
I think that PANTS campaign is great, something has happened at Boo's nursery that we have just found out about (luckily for us - before her time there and I am so glad she doesn't go anymore) which has highlighted how important these kind of conversations are and, sadly, the fact that this stuff happens

Jenny said...

O hasn't asked about this yet, but I will definitely be honest and age appropriate when we get there. Just had a look at the PANTS campaign too, will have to incorporate this into discussions sometime too! Thanks for a great post! :) xx

Mummy Fever said...

I had this from my older two when I was pregnant with my third but they were so appalled they didn't really ask when baby number four came along. I found this much more easy to answer than "how did the world begin Mummy?" and "who did you vote for and why?" #bigfatlinky

Wander Mum said...

Great post Martyn & a very important subject. It is going to come our way at some point. I'm so surprised the other parents were so against education for under 10s that really is quite old to not have any introduction. I remember having a bit at primary school when I was pretty young. They are going to talk about it anyway - better that they are informed and know the truth rather than making it up or thinking they do when they don't . But you are right- it has to be age appropriate. #bigfatlinky

Jade - Raising the Rings said...

Luckily, Jamie is a qualified biology teacher so I'm hoping to leave that talk to him! However, as little sex education as there was for me in primary school, I pretty much knew everything there was to know before I went to secondary school (a VERY open family as it were - maybe they thought it was best for me to know entirely rather than gradually). But if they're going to ask, it's better to give an age appropriate response and definitely make them aware of PANTS! #bigfatlinky x

The Plagued Parent said...

Definitely a difficult topic that makes most parents sweat! You handled it (in my opinion) great. We have always tried to be open and answer questions as they arise. It is easier to do it that way then all at once, that causes sweating and heart palpitations!

Unknown said...

Well done Martyn. I agree with most others that an age appropriate truthful answer is the best way to go. I remember when I was 11 my dad had the big talk with me, despite me not having asked any questions. He was very matter-of-fact about it and I just listened. I'm very grateful I heard the truth first from him than some half truth version from a kid on the playground. #BigFatLinky

Martyn Kitney said...

Thank you. It can be scary to do this but I don't think there should be any real reason to be worried. If you have some pre thought to how you were going to do it.

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks for commenting Debbie. We had a similar thing where we knew people who had had sex or were pregnant when we were receiving sex education. It was far to late then. I think young and age appropriate is key.

Martyn Kitney said...

It's great that you can see the importance of these conversations. Sad that some situations have to make you realise the importance though. I'm pleased it was before boo's time there but definitely scary that we are still in a world where this is important.

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks for commenting Jenny. Glad you liked both of the posts. They're important topics that need to be covered at some point and done in a comfortable age appropriate way.

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks for commenting. Isn't it strange that some conversations are harder when you'd think they'd be easier. Lol well at least you covered it and didn't get any questions the 4th time.

Martyn Kitney said...

Thank you. I think this is it...it will come up at some point so it's good to know where you stand on it. I like the age guidelines and I was surprised that the parents weren't more supportive of it.

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks! Haha yeah leave it to Jamie! I think as you say age appropriate and including campaigns like pants is definitely a good place to start. I knew very little before secondary school as we weren't very open..something that I try now to be with the boys.

Martyn Kitney said...

Haha I would hate to wait and have a big talk with them. I think that would scare me more than age appropriate information staggered. As you say answer the questions when they come up. And thank you...I think I did it well but am lucky that I knew some prior information on it.

Martyn Kitney said...

Thank you mike for commenting. I'm pleased that everyone is on the same page with this and on the whole agree that honest but age appropriate is the way to go. I wish I had the same talk as you had....it would have been easier but instead I had playground information to go on and let's be fair that's not as reliable as it could be.

Kate said...

Good work! This is one of the things I dread but I've always said we'll talk about things from an early age so its all open and there's no embarrassment from anyone (me included!). We've started with appropriate names for body parts and I've been working on the no secrets/PANTS thing too. We can only do our best and hope that's enough.