Where I've been and Whats been going on!

I know a lot of you have been wondering what’s been going on with me and where I disappeared to.

This is complicated but I thought for the moment that I would try to write and explain some of it; even if it just helps to write.

Last week was a bit of a mundane week where nothing exciting or blog worthy was happening. I tried then to explain this in the post “Have I lost my MoJo?”

In that week my current relationship was rocky and I really didn’t know where I stood. My health seemed, at the time, to be the issue and a period of ‘space’ was needed for her. Then to top it off I realised that I wasn’t going to have the boys this week as they would be on holiday.

This all sucked. I knew that my D.P.D would flare.

However much I respected her wishes of space this is something that I personally struggle with.

As you all know I have a dependant Personality Disorder. This in general can be people that you are dependent on but there is also an extension of routine. For example: Getting good morning messages or texts wishing you good night. Something so small can have its effect on you, especially if you didn’t realise that you were dependent on the.

The absence of these, as well as the space she needed, seemed to become massive.  Triggers affected my behaviour the need for security, reassurance and confirmation of what is going on; or to put it more concisely you appear “needy”.

Within the week I struggled but I am and was incredibly lucky to have a good network of friends to keep me going. Ultimately though I couldn’t do anything until I knew where I stood and if I could find out what was going on I had to find out and to do so without saying or doing the wrong thing; I’m notorious for tying to quickly and saying the wrong that eventually just makes things worse. (Or is that just being a man?)

Sunday morning came round and what seemed the inevitable had happened; I was single again.

We had, in fairness, only been dating for 3 months but for me to even be dating that long is a massive thing in my book.

Yes, I have had dates, and yes I have had dates that I thought were alright but I never fully committed for one reason or another; I especially would have never introduced them to my boys.

This lady was different. Everything, for the first time, seemed to just work and it wasn’t complicated at all. (Which for me is saying something considering how complicated I am)

One thing that I won’t do here is talk really openly about it as it’s only fair that I keep this mostly private; there are always two sides to the story and it wouldn’t be fair for me to write mine down completely without her version. She deserves that respect.

Despite anything that has been said or done, I won’t ever say a bad word about her. She doesn’t deserve abuse or aggravation; who does when they’re only doing what they are feeling? She deserves to be respected for so much more than these last 2 weeks.

The problem was that in the time of ‘space’ she didn’t have that urge to ‘run’ back to me. She has feelings and they’re more than just friends but she really didn’t, and still doesn’t, know if they are enough to try.

I know a few of my closer friends know what was going on from the in’s and out and they had their opinion coupled with fiercest loyalty to me; as all good friends do. For me though I can’t see that she has done anything that doesn’t sometimes happen in life.

There isn’t then much more to say apart from that I am just gutted. I miss her; miss so much more than just having someone around and for the first time in ages I can distinguish those feelings as being different from my D.P.D ones. It is her as a person that I miss.

There’s a hope, despite my friends views, that wishes we could try and see if we can work things out but this, sadly, isn’t in my control. I can’t force someone to do or feel something that they don’t have; it would have been nice just to think that she would have wanted to try and just see how things went, whatever the future outcome because she ultimately thought I was worth that risk.

So who knows what will happen but I am trying not think about that one way or another.

Instead I have to focus on some other aspect. For example: the hardest thing at the moment is getting back to normal whilst battling my D.P.D.  My emotions, just like my thoughts, are very erratic. The D.P.D aspect of it all is tough; the hallucinations that I get when feeling worthless, scared and guilty are back. I know these aren’t real though so as usual I will have to push through them and to remember it’s the annoying side effect to the emotional aspects of my D.P.D. I’ve gone just over 3 months without them (Which is a first time ever) so I am sure I can get there again.

I need to create a routine based on everyday things and from that get some part of me back that is currently feeling lost. I know for one that the fact that the boys are on holiday isn’t helping as that alone is a break of routine that I am struggling with.

So that my lovely readers is what has been going on. For now I might still be struggling a bit but I know by the time I get the boys back and get a routine that everything will slot in and resume as normal. Just know that even though I am quiet that I am pushing forward to sort myself out in the only way I know how.