It's Okay that you Hate me!

If you have been following us on here with our weekly round-up or if you follow us on social media you will know that I had an incredibly hard morning as a parent last week.

It all just started off wrongly. Instant quarrelling, annoyances, aggravating and hitting; it didn’t matter what I tried both of the boys woke up and didn’t want to be near each other.

The boys are equally best friends, brothers, a double act and also a troublesome duo up to no good. Yet, like any good close sibling relationship, they can become enemies within seconds. You feel the tension between them as the two boys square up to each other and you are almost waiting for the dawn light to hit for their pistols to be drawn.

Okay, maybe a little dramatic but you get the idea. You know that today isn’t going to be a brothers holding hands day.

I tried to appease them. Used every parenting tool that I thought I could and nothing worked and it had now been an hour since we woke up and none of us were dressed or fed.

So, I went for the option to separate them but in doing so I inadvertently triggered William. He felt that the separation was a reflection on his behaviour and although they both went into different rooms he felt that it was down to James and I should leave him to get dressed where he wanted.

I couldn’t budge though. If I let one stay and move the other then that wouldn’t be fair. I had to move both it seemed like my only choice as both together wasn’t working.

After an hour of screaming, crying, clothes thrown at me and on the floor, drawers and cupboards emptied and being pushed over and finally ultimatums being made I will admit that I was at breaking point.

William was now in timeout. There was no talking to him now as he wouldn’t listen and until he calmed I couldn’t go near him; although he knew he crossed a line by pushing me over.

In the midst of all this I heard the “I hate you. I hate it here. I hate everything”.

I, of course, went on to Twitter and spoke about this all and everyone was great and everyone reassured me that it he didn’t mean it.

But he did and I am okay with that.

I know full well that William and James love me. We have fun, laughter and adventure on a journey of memory making.

At bedtime they give me the biggest cuddle and every inch of that you can feel how much they love me and this is just one example of how they show me.

Yet, he is only 7 years old. How is he meant to correctly release all these complex feeling, emotions and injustices? As an adult I struggle at time so how is he meant to?

I honestly believe that in that very moment, those seconds of pure anger, he did hate me.

I remember saying it to my parents and even in those situations I can honestly say that I felt like I hated them.

I remember I had an uncanny ability to blow everything way out of proportion and since I wasn’t able or willing to take responsibility for my actions or consequences, anyone around that I could blame for my mistakes, usually got the blame. How could they have done or not done what I had asked?

Obviously now I can look back and realise how silly I was and how right they were but at that time I broke into Harry Enfields Kevin.

Children are obviously going to have some degree of difficulty seeing anything beyond themselves, their feelings, their pain and their vulnerability. Seeing the larger picture, reviewing the past, recognising blessings in their lives and working towards the future is the kind of insight that usually only sets in after we've lived a bit more; even then many adults, myself included, have difficulty doing this!

After he had calmed down and we had a good chat and reflection on what happened he spent the afternoon digging, focused and eventually he was back on the sofa cuddling me like the loving boy he is.

Hate is an emotion that is built upon anger and frustration and he experienced that and I won’t dismiss his feelings. For him they are real and in that moment that is what he felt.

I will always allow my children their fullest feelings rather than saying “you don’t mean that” or getting angry back because they’ve hurt my feelings because they will grow up, they will parent and they will look back and know, as I do now, that they didn’t really hate me. Until then I will just have to harden my dad skin and take the blows when they come and allow him to grow and understand how to express and process his feelings properly.