Christmas Cracker Jokes

With Christmas Day just around the corner the boys and I are looking forward to the smaller things of the day like Christmas pudding, Grandad loading his plate up far too high and us, sitting around the table, telling incredibly bad cracker jokes!

With the latter at the forefront of our minds the boys and I have been recalling some of our favourite cracker jokes. So, in no particular order, here are 25 jokes to get you laughing!

*Warning.....Not all jokes are Christmas themed but they are of poor quality enough to be found in a cracker!*

1. I recently bought some shoes from a drug dealer.

I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

2. Why don’t ants get sick?

Because they have little anty-bodies

3. What animal can jump higher than a house?

All of them… houses can’t jump.

4. Where do poor meatballs live?

The spaghetto.

5. If I had to describe myself with one word it would be “bad at following directions”

6. What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bike?

Attire.

7. What do they sing at a snowman's birthday party?

Freeze a jolly good fellow

8. What does Miley Cyrus have at Christmas?

Twerky!

9. I saw a man in the shop going crazy. He grabbed some cheese and threw it on the floor. He grabbed some milk and threw that on the floor. He then grabbed some cream and threw that on the floor.

The entire time I thought "How dairy!"

10. What do vampires sing on New Year's Eve?

Auld Fang Syne

11. Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?


Because he had a low "elf" esteem!

12. Why does Santa have 3 gardens?

So he can Ho Ho Ho

13. What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar?


He got 25 days!

14. What is the best Christmas present in the world?


A broken drum, you just can't beat it!

15. Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?


They always drop their needles!

16. What do you call a man with brown paper trousers?

Russell

17. Why should husbands make the early morning tea for their wives?

Because the Bible says He Brews

18. What's the longest word in the English language?

Smiles, because there is a "mile" between the first and the last letters.

19. On which side do chickens have the most feathers?

The outside.

20. What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?

Annette.

21. How do snowmen get around?

They ride an icicle.

22. Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?

A mince spy.

23. What do Santa's little helpers learn at school?

The elf-abet

24. What’s a dog’s favourite carol?

Bark, the herald angels sing

25. Why did the pony have to go to the doctors?

Because it was a little horse

What is your favourite Christmas or Cracker joke? Let us know, we would love to laugh and groan!