Friday 25 August 2017

Adoption: The End of the Chapter



I would say that I can be quite shy, withdrawn and be plagued with social anxiety and confusion and yet I write a blog that documents my life, my children and literally anything that enters “Martyn’s Thoughts”
I think the inner writer in me finds it easier to write what I’m feeling and experiencing rather than actually speaking it out loud. Today’s post is exactly that. It is an unpleasant topic, sad to explore and something I have only briefly scratched the surface of but I feel that due to recent events I need to put something down in writing.

Last December I opened up and told those who read that I was adopted and I had the opportunity to meet my birth sister for the first time. It was brilliant. I had the chance to explore a part of my life and many of my readers and friends supported and followed the day with anticipation.
The day went really well and it strengthened the relationship that we are trying to build.

At the time I was incredibly anxious of meeting her. I had that fear that something, anything, could go wrong. I had, when I was younger, opened my adoption folder and traced my birth parents. My meeting with my father was honest, frank and short; yet I really enjoyed and respected that. His openness of the time prior and post birth gave a real insight into my life. The meeting with my mother didn’t have the same outcome.
My adopted folder was littered with extensive records of countless levels of abuse. Stories that would make you question how social services allowed it to go on for so long. It would make you question how people can be so malicious to an innocent child and not have a care in the world. Yet, I still wanted to meet my birth mother and get some grasp on what appeared to be a mountain of unanswered questions.

Again, I was nervous of meeting her. There was a feeling that I didn’t expect; a feeling that reduced a grown man into a scared and terrified little boy.
The meeting didn’t go well. There was no acceptance, no answers, records were reduced to conspiracy theories and denial and at worst, fabricated by my adopted parents to turn me against her.

This should have been enough of an answer to make me walk away and close the door on that relationship but I didn’t. Expectedly, every meeting I had was the same and with nothing but bitterness and anger; anger that I had changed my name (although this was done by my parents) Bitterness that I refused to call her mum and distain that I wouldn’t let her near William.
However, I (and the boys mum) eventually agreed to let her meet him. I don’t really need to tell you that it didn’t go well. There was an instant terrible atmosphere. There were words like “Nanny”, “my boy” and “babysitting” bounded about and it was all too much. That was the last time I saw her.

She kept in contact and I would get a couple of texts a year with that same message. She has moved county, separated from her current partner who was a “bad man” but she has settled and found a lovely man who has done the grace of proposing to her. 6 months later I receive the same message; 5 marriages, countless fiances or men with a constant victimisation and denial of events.
Until recently; last week I drew the line and said no more.

She had come back to the area. She had made efforts, without me knowing, to meet me and meet the boys. I, coincidentally, was away in Cornwall when she was down and said no. She wasn’t happy and angrily demanded to see her “Grandchildren”.
Here is the line. They are not, have never been and never will be her grandchildren. She gave up that right when she gave up the boy that I once was.

She doesn’t earn the right to call herself my mother as a mother doesn’t take their infant child out at all hours, poorly and barely dressed, to prostitute herself to men she fancied at the pub. A mother doesn’t allow their child to be attacked with a knife or a chain. A mother doesn’t allow their child to have their skull cracked against the wall because it is upsetting their drunken boyfriend by crying. A mother doesn’t leave their child unattended for days to go on a drug and drink binge. A mother doesn’t leave their child in soiled week old nappies. A mother doesn’t leave their child in the hands of paramedics, nurses and doctors when they were rushed to the hospital. A mother doesn’t leave their child at a mother and unit telling them to keep the little b*st**d because she has chosen her boyfriend over him. A mother doesn’t repeat all of these actions and more with all her other children.
My Mum (adopted), however, was a beautiful, strong, stern but fair, clever and the most amazing woman that has ever graced my life. She deserves and earnt the title of my mum and grandmother of my children.

It has taken a long time for me to get to this point. Along with my own answers, I had hoped that within these 10 years that she would, as requested regularly, help give us background history to her health that could unlock and prevent the boy’s potential muscular dystrophy. Yet, her “intentions” of helping were quickly dropped when the next man came along.
Her sudden demanding of her “grandchildren” was the last straw.

As DaShanne Stokes said:
“If your actions don’t live up to your words, you have nothing to say”

It is for this reason, combined with the above that I have blocked her number and deleted her details. This whole thing though has been swirling around in my head and as a blog that documents my life I needed to record the end of this chapter.  

9 comments:

Unknown said...

Wow. Just... wow?! I love your honesty and all power to you for opening up and documenting it. Your biological mother is obviously a mess and you're right that she doesn't deserve the title of Grandparent. What a lot to go through as a little boy?! I'm so glad you found the mum you deserve, she sounds like a wonderful lady. Xxx

Relentlesslypurple said...

I can see why you tried to make contact but I can also see exactly why you have blocked that once and for all. You and the boys don't deserve someone like that bringing you all down. I am so, so pleased that after such a shit start you ended up in the arms of someone who sounds like the most amazing mother & finally shown the love & care you deserve. It's tough breaking contact but sometimes it really is for the best x

Plutoniumsox.com said...

Sorry to read this Martyn but I am sure this was absolutely the right decision. You did more than could be expected of anybody to try to build the relationship with her but some people just aren't capable of seeing the world from anybody else's point of view and she sounds like one of them.
Nat.x

Mandy Charlton, Photographer, Writer, Blogger said...

Martyn, you have done completely the right thing, you know I did the same thing with my own parents after being told that I had deserved the abuse, I haven't had them in my life for approximately 10 years, it's no coincidence that I started my business 6 months after having divorced them.

The things that happen to us in our early lives unfortunately define the people that we become however, we can also use the experience to make sure we never become what they wanted us to become and you haven't, you are amazing, your kids are amazing and your life is better now that it's been. You have great kids, you have friends and you've found love and that is utterly brilliant!

Just keep doing what you're doing, much love

Donna Wishart said...

Oh Martyn. I had an amazing childhood but my teens were awful and I had to drawn a line before having children that my mother would go nowhere near them. I could relate to so much of this post and have such sadness that you had to live through all that - and more. My grandparents were foster carers when I was growing up and some of the things their foster children went through were horrendous - much like your history. But, your Mum sounds like an amazing woman and I am so sorry that she is no longer with you. Much love Martyn x

Anonymous said...

I think as a society we can be guilty of putting far too much emphasis on blood ties.
The right be to called family is something that needs to be ened by the people who would do anything for you and who love you unconditionally. In todays often complex families, the people that give birth to you will not always earn that right. Step parents, foster parents (as in my case) or adoptive families like yours quite often are far more deserving of the right to be called family.

I think you have gone above and beyond with your efforts to build a relationship with your birth mother, far more than she ever deserved, so I think you are totally justified in the decision you have come to. Xxx Mrs A

Jade - Raw Childhood said...

Reading this gave me chills at certain points because of my early years background. You are a strong person and you have done the right thing. You went above and beyond and at least you can hold your head high and say that you tried (not that she even deserved it). Live your life as you intend to and continue on your journey with your boys because you are a fabulous dad!

Spectrum Mum said...

You are so strong and an amazing role model to your boys.

jeremy@thirstydaddy said...

as far as I can tell you did the right thing. I applaud your efforts in finding her, but equally your strength in knowing when enough is enough