I am so tired.
I am so drained.
I am so tired.
I may have said tired twice but I am sure repetition is a
sign of tiredness so am sure you will let me off! You will have to also forgive
this post that I suspect is a little ranty and moany but it is needed.
I am currently juggling what seems like everything and not
seemingly getting a break.
Dad is one week in on his treatment for throat cancer and it
is taking its toll on everyone.
We have split the 30 days of treatment, spread over three
months, in half. 15 days for me to cover and then 15 for my brother and sister
in law. I know, it would probably seem more sensible that we all do 10 days
each but I am drained and tired and sick of being made to feel like a bad son
and brother for suggesting anything other than what we are doing; after all we
are doing this for dad and not to stroke our egos.
This doesn’t mean though that it hasn’t already caused
arguments.
Last week dad proudly announced that he hasn’t had a
cigarette since Friday before. I scoffed at this as I know his tricks but I
took a positive twist on it and congratulated and believed him. The following Tuesday
I was with him, before my piano lesson, chatting away and again dad boastfully
told how he has gone 4 days without smoking. Yet, he “needed to pop upstairs
for a bit”. The doorbell rang for my lesson, which he had forgotten (Thanks
dementia!), so rushed downstairs to open the door. Have a guess what dad had in
his hand?
When I called him out on it I was hit with denial and
petulant attitude before he walked to the shops for the paper. (Something he
has only recently started to do. Fag breaks anyone?) I let my brother and
sister in law know but was faced with nothing but blame for allowing it to
happen.
Dad has started a few new activities. He will go for a walk
to get his paper from the shop and has stopped the delivery boy delivering. He
also goes out in the greenhouse every morning and once in the afternoon to “potter
around” and even goes down the furthest part of the garden to do “winter prep
work”. This accompanied with his “sorting out” upstairs has lead me, and me
alone, to assume that he has a secret stash of cigarettes in the greenhouse hidden
in a pot or something, a secret stash in his bedroom and one in the garage
before his walk. Yet, he happily proclaims that he hasn’t smoked for almost 2
weeks!
Due to my limited days between working 2 days a week and
having the boys 4 days and 2 nights each week it leaves limited time to work my
“shifts” with him; even if I do spend time there when I am working.
My brother and sister in law have taken up this week’s
therapy trips until it is my turn Friday. Apart from the fact that my brother,
after one day, has declared that he isn’t taking dad anymore.
The story goes that dad wanted something from his bag. My
brother reached in and in doing so found, would you believe it, a box of
cigarettes! Taking time from working to take him there and despite the severity
of the appointment dad decides to take a box and still denies that he is
smoking and that he has no idea how the box got in there.
Logically I can appreciate my brothers upset. He is
witnessing dad going through hell and back in treatment, he is off work to do
so (although that is another story) and being lied to by a grown man. Somehow,
this is now left for me to resolve.
Yet, I have taken a different approach. Why would a grown
elderly man who has been smoking for 61 years feel the need to lie, cheat and deceive?
There are only 2 reasons that I can think of: 1. He is scared, upset and doesn’t
want to let us down if he isn’t trying his hardest. 2. All he gets from
everyone is shouted at for smoking, for not giving up straightaway and not
doing all he can to tackle this disease for the best outcome after treatment.
I get the side effects; I get that him not smoking is the
best thing in the long run but he is a grown man. Stop treating him as a child
and maybe he will stop acting like a petulant one! If he smokes then he is
smoking. His choice, even if it does break my heart.
Don’t get on his case about it. Be reasonable, understanding
and supportive. Don’t release your emotional pain by taking it out on him and
definitely don’t use me or my situation as a valid reason to kick and shout.
Balancing home life, being a single dad, home educator,
working, blogging and all of what that entails, being a boyfriend and now
partial carer to my dad is hard work! That isn’t even taking into account that
I have FSHD or DPD and some days are going to be harder than others. Yet, I get
up, plod on, put one foot in front of the other (even if that is hard) and do
what I can.
In adding the extra time for dad my rest days are now non-existent
and I am now packed out 7 days a week and dealing with something quite
emotionally draining.
So what was the point of this post? Well I suppose there isn’t
one. I just wanted to write, write and write some more and just do something “normal”
for a change and considering this is mostly my week it makes sense that this is
Inside Martyn’s Thoughts.
In the meantime, I have heard a rumour about something
called sleep anyone have any idea what that is?
6 comments:
It's tough Mr. K.
A few years ago Mrs OMG grandfather had cancer. I used to drive him to Dublin for his treatment. He'd merrily smoke away on the way there.
I suppose by that stage the damage is done so there was no point giving him a hard time over it.
This is such a difficult thing to deal with, balancing what is best for someones physical health alongside their mental wellbeing.
Years ago I was caring for a lady who had developed cancerous cells in her mouth. The doctors said she needed to give up smoking immediately. As a team with doctors, social workers and us as her care team we drew up a plan to stop her smoking, im her best interests as she lacked full capacity to understand her diagnosis. We put the plan into action and basically drove her mad. The effects on her mental health and behaviour were awful and it is a decision that although made with the best intentions is one I deeply regret being part of.
I mention this story because possibly with your dads dementia it could be increadably hard and potentially very damaging to him in other ways to stop him smoking as your brother wants. I think your attitude is completely the right one.
Mrs A xx
I know you've been struggling & how stressed you've been over all this & I hope writing about it has at least helped you clear your head a little. I agree with your thoughts on the smoking, he's losing a lot of control over everything & he probably feels that smoking is the only thing he can control right now. I heard sleep is great, I'm useless until next week but I'll happily pop over on the bus and give you a hand so you can nap or just rest for a bt. xx
Martyn, write whatever you like if it makes you feel better. I know I did when I was going through something similar with my Mum. And you are so right, there is no need to treat your father like a petulant child, if he still smokes, then yes it's disappointing and worrying for you all, but it's his life and his wishes should be respected. When my Mum got ill she claimed she gave up smoking immediately (After 60 yrs) I wasn't around at the time but I can bet she still had a sneaky one for a while at least. This whole situation must be so distressing for all of you and you should support each other not bicker, sadly, it happens all too often. I hope you are getting the opportunity to take some time out for yourself occasionally. x
Couldn't agree more, he's smoked for so long and he's an adult. I would carry on pretending that he has "given up" if only to reduce the number he has. I know nothing about them but what about vaping? Maybe that would help?
It is both physically and mentally hard work caring for a loved one with cancer, I know a few families where some have totally refused to help. I think it is fear, some people run away and some get stuck in. He is very lucky to have you xxx
With the smoking has he tried e cigarettes? It might help. I agree he is trying to do the right thing but giving up a long term habit and addiction is bloody hard! Hopefully with all the cloak and dagger he is cutting down a bit.
Post a Comment