Tuesday, 26 May 2020

This is where I am

At times it can be really difficult writing about some of the things that you want to.

You know full well that you want to voice what is on your mind. You want write and vent to maybe organise or unburden your problems and issues. Yet, every time you want to do so your brain shuts down and words, sentences and paragraphs just don’t seem to come together in a coherent order.

I’ve felt like this for a couple of weeks now.
I have something that has been itching away at me and the more it is there the bigger and more consuming it becomes.

I am now at that point mentally where it’s consuming far too much of my time. I feel forgetful because my mind is muddled up with thoughts and feelings. I either need to resolve and sort out my issue or I need to get it off my chest and out of my system.

I’m not too sure if this national lockdown is making it worse but I do know that the issue itself would unlikely be here. What seems apparent though that the lockdown isn’t helping me with it.

For those who know me they’ll tell you there’s a few versions of me.

There’s the person who is blunt, outspoken and confident in his actions, beliefs and standards. I would like to believe, even if not perfect, that I hold some moral integrity that highlights these qualities.

The other persona is shy, doubting, nervous, riddled with anxiety over situations and settings. I struggle to speak my mind because I care too much about the people around me. Some, often with better clarity and hindsight, will tell you that these characteristics are all common Dependant Personality Disorder traits; especially so if I’ve triggered my emotional instability.

The first one is often more of a fight or flight situation. The loudness and over confidence is a front. A type of flight to protect anyone knowing that I have the struggling side.

The rest is a fight response where I will be outspoken to defend myself, family and friends if they’re being treated unfairly; I am extremely loyal and will fight openly more for them than I would for myself at times!

The problem is that sometimes these two blur and people don’t always see the difference that I present and that here is where my current problem sits.

If there is an issue and it needs dealing with then I will sort it. Don’t deal with it properly or it repeatedly happens then I will put up a bit more of a fight. Once I’m in that position I struggle to back down because I want the injustice to stop or be corrected. Take last years Social Services issue. Everyone told me to “shut up and play the game" but morally I couldn’t so I kicked up more fuss for months and months until the truth and justice came to light and I was exonerated.

However, instead of people seeing this as a fight for justice and correct procedures and actions I often get the eye roll. The “here he goes again” look.

Some how I’ve become a storm in a tea cup for many where they’ll listen, make unconscious facial expressions and tuts etc and not do anything about it because it’s “just another Martyn thing".

I don’t do it to cause problems. I just want things to be better and if it is achievable to do so then why not make it better? Yet voicing it to these people they don’t see the “Martyn’s in flight”, the “Martyn who is struggling with anxiety and mental health issues” or even just trying to do the basic and see it from my point of view.

Once you’re in that position what is the point of voicing it when you know what the reaction and response will be?

I know it’ll be the same thing as it always is; a roll of the eyes, a dismissal look, possible dispute over the intention or belief and no actual movement forward because “Martyn’s on one again".

I’ve spoken to Hannah a lot about the issue these last few weeks. Bless her, she’s probably sick of it now. However, she understands it and validates my feelings and thoughts; although she agrees that I’ll be seen and reacted in such a way as she’s witnessed it previously. So subsequently Hannah is unsure how to help.

I know that realistically I should either drop it, move on and not let it get to me or I should voice my feelings and get it over and done with.

This time feels different though. If I do the prior option I know it’ll build resentment and carry on being an underlying issue. If I do the latter then I know there is no turning back after it. Relationships will end and ties will be cut because I won’t allow this to carry on impacting me.

This is where I am.

What is clear is this issue that’s bothering me will need to be dealt with one way or another. Hopefully now I’ve written and voiced my frustration and emotions around it I can deal with it better going forward.

*I wrote this post 2 weeks ago. Some of it as eased but it is still ongoing. I'm thinking a little more time and things will be easier and clearer*

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