A Trouble with Friendships

I’ve been struggling recently with friendships.

I mentioned in a previous post that friendships are always something that I struggle with. I’ve never found making friends, having friends and keeping friends that easy.

When I was younger my parents had a good group of friends. They were usually couples and although not all known to each other they all got along with each other.

Some may have worked with mum, others knew dad from work or his sporting activities. Wherever it was you would find the same group around for dinner parties, cups of coffee and the odd alcohol based party.

I’ve seen my friends have similar groups of friends too. They seem to have a select group of people that do a variety of things together.

Yet this has alluded me.

I’ve never really had friendships like that.

As a child, before I was adopted, I went through a lot of trauma. I suffered abuse from the male presence in my life that made me incredibly wary of having relationships with men; something that’s echoed through the rest of my life.

I wasn’t a “typical boy" from the off. My behaviour, mannerisms and likes were (and still are) typical effeminacy. This then meant that I found friendships with females easier.

In Primary School I had only female friendships. I never played with boys.

In Secondary School I went to an all boys school. Yet, I was a loner. I made one friend and our friendship was based more on shared intelligence, geeky interests and the connection of being the “odd child". Despite that, he is my longest lasting friendship to this day.

Sixth Form ended up being the same as Primary and the reintroduction of females meant I was naturally drawn to those friendships. University wasn’t any different.

Ultimately, I found it easier to befriend females than males. I never felt threatened by women; where with men I do.

Even then, despite seeking female friendships, I was wary of making any friends. (Typical Attachment Disorder from an abused child for you!)

After going through my breakdown I gained a greater insight into my mental health. I saw the trauma that I went through in my past and how it’s key to how I am with people today.

It showed how having a Dependant Personality Disorder works with friendships.

I tend to form very close friendships, usually in a group of 3 people. These 3 people that I am close to are more like siblings than friends.

Over the years these people have changed.

Take my friend from Secondary school. I can look back and see that for a solid 20 (ish) years he was one of my “top 3” friends. He was like a brother to me. He was one of my best friends and was even my best man when I married the boys mum.

Yet, with him moving away for work, getting married, having a child and then just life growing in different directions the friendship isn’t the same as it used to be.

I’m lucky now if I see him twice a year. Although I will always honour the friendship and meet every Christmas.

Life changes people; people move, get married, have different interests and in some cases create new friendships groups.

However, I find this quite hard to deal with.

The D.P.D means that the relationship is important and I’m dependent on them to a certain degree.

Losing those friendships really affects me.

Over the years I’ve kept myself at a distance. Tried not to form too many close friendships because I struggle when the relationship breaks down.

At the moment I would say I have 3 close friendships that meet that criteria. However, they feel incredibly distant nowadays. As I mentioned in the previous post, last year affected those friendships. Then we would also need to take into consideration lockdown, social distancing and self-isolation. All these feature have affected these friendships over the last 2 years.

Outside of those I would say I do have a few friendships. I can happily say that there are 4 male and 4 female friendships that I’ve made online. Again, they’re really nice people and I enjoy having them in my life; something I'm incredibly grateful for but it isn't what my parents had.

I wouldn’t say we are close but when we do talk I enjoy speaking to them and would be gutted if they suddenly vanished.

That doesn’t stop me looking around at people and wondering what I’m missing. Wondering why I don’t have the same relationships that my mum and dad had.

Part of me longs to be in one. To have close friends that I can hang out with, talk to and have an excuse to go out with.

Yet, it isn’t like I’m active to find and meet people. It isn’t like I’m part of clubs, groups or go to work where I can socialise. As Dale Carnegie says “You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.”

The only places I go is into town to chat with the shop owners and then to church.

Yes, I’m sure there would and could be friends at church but not at the moment. I feel I’m caught in an age gap there. The people I am friendly with are either 10 to 15 years older or younger than me.

They’re nice people. I like spending time with them. They’re people I would say I’m friendly with but I would call them church friends, not friends; on the grounds that outside of the church we don’t do anything.

Lockdown has shown me how isolated I feel and am. Yet, I'm not really sure how to do anything about it. If I had opportunities to make friends I seem to struggle when I’m in the social situation.

I understand books, education, history, facts and figures but never quite grasped some social interactions, social cues or I may end up saying something inappropriate and not fully realise. An example is out staying my welcome and not realising that people are done.

Life seems to shift sometimes and within that friendships shift too. I suppose time will change how things are, I just wish there was an easier way of dealing with it.

 I suppose that to some extent the below is true and something to be thankful for at least.