My ASD diagnosis explained a lot and I understand myself better than I did before it. I can see the traits, patterns, and reasons behind them. I recognise which parts of me are shaped by autism, which parts I’ve adapted to, and which parts honestly don’t bother me.
I see strengths, like attention to detail, pattern recognition, creativity, the ability to absorb and recall information, and the way my mind spots connections that others miss.
Social situations, however, still confuse me. I'm genuinely bewildered and exhausted because everyone else seems to know the rules and I don't.
Humour is a good example. I enjoy sarcasm, quick wit, dark humour, and ridiculous nonsense. Yet there are moments when everyone starts laughing and I’m not sure why.
It’s not just the joke that confuses me. Sometimes it’s the social laugh. Hannah has one. I’m fairly sure lots of people do. Something slightly awkward is said. Someone becomes vulnerable. A serious conversation reaches an uncomfortable moment. Then somebody makes a comment and everyone laughs.
The conversation moves on. I don't get it because nobody actually tells me it has moved on. Everyone else seems to know the former moment is over.
I don’t.
My brain is still processing the original conversation. I’ll ask a question connected to the topic because I thought we’re still discussing it but didn’t realise everyone else moved on. You then see the person or others give an awkward gulp. A look of “Martyn’s bringing back the serious.” The occasional “buzzkill” joke. Then everyone laughs again. I laugh too. Inside, I hate it.
It’s the same with over communicating. I am sharing what I share because I think it’s important. I wouldn’t share it otherwise, but a short and dismissive “ah ok” is horrible.
I hate the idea that people see me as super serious or awkward. I’m not. I have my funny, silly side but that’s not the problem, it’s just that I’m still working out when the subject changed and have inadvertently focused on the serious parts.
Conversation are already tricky. As a child, my mum taught me social etiquette. I should “Speak when it’s my turn or when I’m spoken to,” “If I don’t know the answer, don’t speak, listen and learn,” “Listening is more important that speaking,” and “you only interrupt if it protects the person.”
I genuinely try to follow these but it's not always easy.
People pause while speaking. Sometimes the pause sounds like the end. Sometimes it isn’t. Sometimes they smile, look around, or stopped long enough that I think it’s my turn. Then I start speaking at exactly the same moment they start again.
The result is a strange half-noise escaping from my mouth before I retreat back into silence.
Group conversations are harder. If I wait too long, someone else responds first. The conversation moves on. My comment suddenly belongs to a discussion that no longer exists. So I either drag everyone backwards like above or say nothing. It’s safer saying nothing. I can’t always do that.
People often assume masking is about hiding obvious traits. For me, it’s more than that. Masking is monitoring every conversation, facial expression, joke, response, pause, text, and social interaction while constantly asking, “Am I doing this right?” and hoping you don’t draw attention to yourself. I pick up everything. I just don’t always understand it.
That’s exhausting.
What hurts is that after all that energy, I still get things wrong. I interrupt, misread situations, ask the wrong question at the wrong moment, and overthink and replay everything for days after.
Then there are the things I don’t understand at all.
Why do people ask questions and then interrupt the answer?
Why do people ignore rude behaviour in meetings but complain about it afterwards? Doesn’t that just allow the behaviour to continue?
Why do people say they value honesty while avoiding difficult conversations?
Why do people leave text messages unanswered?
Why do people ask for opinions and then dismiss them on hearing them?
I don’t know. Maybe some understand social situations better. Maybe it just doesn’t bother people the way it bothers me. Whatever the reason, it takes a lot of energy.
The confusion is hard. The effort is harder.
I spend so much time trying not to interrupt, overwhelm people, say the wrong thing, appear too intense, burden people, or be rude.
My mask slips when I'm tired, overwhelmed, and the real me appears before I've had time to filter it.
After all that effort, when it happens anyway and I get the looks, comments, jokes, eye rolls, or just feel different and alone again, it can be really tough.
Then I watch someone, who isn’t masking at all, roll their eyes, mutter under their breath, or be rude in a meeting and everyone accepts it. It’s acceptable towards me, but not them? I don’t understand.
I struggle with social hypocrisy like that.
The diagnosis helped me understand many things, and I’ve came to terms with a lot, but I’m still learning to manage bits, mask areas, and be a bit more comfortable within that grey area. Just be a bit more me. It's just hard at times.
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