A Trouble with Friendships

I’ve been struggling with friendships recently. It’s something I’ve always found difficult. Making friends, having friends, keeping friends. None of it has ever come naturally.

When I was younger my parents had a solid group of friends. They were mostly couples who drifted in from work, hobbies or long‑standing connections. They weren’t all close to each other but they got along. There were dinner parties, cups of coffee and the occasional night with too much alcohol. I’ve watched other people build similar groups. They form circles that do life together. It’s never been something I’ve managed.

Before I was adopted I went through a lot of trauma. I was abused by the male presence in my life and it shaped how I relate to men even now. I wasn’t a typical boy. My mannerisms and interests were effeminate, so I found friendships with girls easier. Primary School was only female friendships. Secondary School was an all‑boys environment and I was a loner. I made one friend. We bonded over intelligence, geeky interests and being the odd ones out. He’s still my longest friendship.

Sixth Form and university followed the same pattern. I gravitated towards female friendships because I felt safe. Even then I was wary of forming any friendships at all. Attachment Disorder does that. After my breakdown I understood more about how trauma shaped me. I also saw how Dependent Personality Disorder plays into friendships. I tend to form very close bonds with three people at a time. They become more like siblings than friends. Those people have changed over the years.

My friend from Secondary School was one of my top three for about twenty years. He was like a brother. He was my best man. Life moved on. He moved away, got married, had a child and our paths drifted. I’m lucky if I see him twice a year now, although we always meet at Christmas.

Life shifts. People move, grow, change interests and form new circles. I find that hard. DPD means those relationships matter and losing them hits me deeply. I’ve kept myself at a distance because I struggle when friendships break down.

Right now I’d say I have three close friendships, although they feel distant. Last year affected them and lockdown didn’t help. Social distancing and isolation changed everything. Outside of those I’ve made a few online friendships. Four men and four women who I genuinely enjoy talking to. I’m grateful for them even though it’s not the same as the friendships my parents had. We’re not close but I’d be gutted if they disappeared.

I still look around and wonder what I’m missing. I wonder why I don’t have the same kind of group my mum and dad had. Part of me longs for it. I’d love close friends I could spend time with, chat with and have excuses to go out with. I’m not exactly active in finding them. I’m not part of clubs or groups and I don’t work in a place where friendships naturally form. I go into town, chat with shop owners and go to church.

Church friendships are complicated. I feel stuck in an age gap. People I’m friendly with are either much older or much younger. They’re lovely and I enjoy them but they’re church friends. Outside church we don’t do anything.

Lockdown showed me how isolated I feel. I’m not sure how to change it. When I do have opportunities I struggle with social cues. I understand books, education, history, facts and figures. Social interactions are harder. I might say something inappropriate without realising or stay longer than I should.

Life shifts and friendships shift with it. I hope time changes things. I just wish it was easier to deal with.

At least the quote below is true and something to hold onto.