Brotherly Love

My brother is three years older than me. Unfortunately, I don’t have many good memories of him growing up. We're completely different people. He hated school. I loved it. He was physical. I wasn’t.

Mum and Dad pushed us to do the same activities. He did Karate. Therefore I had to. He won trophies for fighting. I won trophies for Kata, which my brother called “Karate dancing.” We both learnt instruments. He gave up quickly. I loved it, so Mum pushed me further. We both did cubs and scouts. He thrived outdoors. I thrived in home projects. I loved reading. He scoffed at it. The list could go on and on.

Mum and Dad raised us differently. We’re both adopted. With him, they were terrified Social Services would take him away, so they spoiled him and lacked discipline. This is shown in old family VHS where he’s attention‑seeking, bold, and doing things he shouldn’t. Anyone watching would see that. By the time I arrived,  and then adopted just shy of my fourth birthday, they’d changed their parenting approach. Add 80s parenting and an undiagnosed autistic child, and the differences becomes wider.

As teenagers, the divide between us grew. My disability manifested. He was out drinking in parks, doing drugs, getting into trouble with police, and making life hell for Mum and Dad. I spent time with my girl friends, drew and painted, read, sang all the time, and grew into skating, dancing, and my nerdy ways. For him and my dad, that meant I was gay. When steroids made me gain weight, he drew pictures of me as a pig and left them around the house. I was also the punch bag when he disliked something Mum, Dad, or I did.

We just never had a relationship. By adulthood, other than for Mum and Dad, we had no foundation for a relationship. Then he fell out with Mum for three years and only reconnected before her death. As a mummy’s boy I resented that. Life moved on. Now we barely speak. I wish him happy birthday each year. He says thank you. That’s it. It’s sad.

[Image 2. A screenshot of a text message. The first message is dated 19th July 2025 and says "Happy birthday. Have a good one." Underneath the replying message says "Thanks." Under that, the date is 19th July 2026 and says "Happy birthday. Have a good day." The replying comment says "Sweet." The 2 messages highlight the limited communication.]

I have found my birth siblings but it's not simple. I'm the eldest of four. My brother has moved on in life, so doesn't want a relationship. My eldest sister has a lot of disabilities which would struggle processing who I am, so I'm not allowed to meet her. My youngest sister and I connected in 2015 and met up 2016. We try and stay connected. We wanted a relationship, but, like my adopted brother, we didn't have the core foundation to maintain an active relationship. Then a few years later, the adoption stuff got hard. It made everything else harder.

I’ve never wanted that for my boys. When Will first met James, he smiled widely and loved James instantly.

[Image 3. Will, aged 2 years, is wearning a salmon coloured t-shirt. He is smiling up at someone not in the photo as James, an hour hold, lays across Wills lap in a white baby grow, as they meet for the first time.]

They played together, teamed up against me and others, cuddled on the sofa, read and played together, and built a childhood full of memories I never had.

[Image 4. James is sat on a car toy, wearing a striped blue and grey jumper. Will is pushing the car as they play together, wearing a orange jumper]

[Image 5. Both boys are wearing green monster jumpers as, smiling at the camera as they sit upon a cream coloured sofa]

[Image 6. Both boys are wearing their brown gruffolo dressinggown. James, on the left, is hugging Will, on the right, as the smile and laugh at the camera]

[Image 7. James, on the left, is hugging and laugh with Will, on the right as they play in front of a gazebo outside. They are both wearing blue patterned shirts]

[Image 8. My dad is sat on a cream sofa. Will is play fighting in front of him. James is behind him, standing on the sofa, about to attack him. Samson, with all the excitement is playing with them]

[Image 9. Both boys are on the sofa. James her his book. Will is reading if to James as they sig upon a brown leather like material]

[Image 10.  James, on the right, cuddles Will tightly as they watch the TV.]

[Image 11. Will on the right and James on the left sit on a brown leather sofa, playing together through Wills technology.]

They fought, of course, but being similar in height and build made it fairly even. 

The blended family dynamics helped. When things escalated at their mum’s, they came to ours and James would go off with Midge, and Will with Arty giving respite space. 

[Image 12. It moves from left to right. Midge is in pink, James a dark green jumper, Arty a blue jacket and trousers, and Will also in a dark green jumped]

At our wedding and ou regular family dinners, they sat in those sibling sets without being told, a small moment that showed the stepsibling bond between them.

[Image 13. From left to right, Hannah, James, Midge, Will and Arty, all sat at the dinner table with their dinner in front of them]

[Image 12. From the back, left to right. Will, Arty, Midge, James, and Me. In front ia Hannah who's taking the photo of us around a restaurant table]

[Image 14. A black and white photo of us 6 on Hannah and my wedding day. From left to right, Midge, James, Me, Hannah, Arty and Will]

None of these photos are intentionally designed or staged. The boys always seem to sit with the opposite sibling. With Will always next to Arty and James next to Midge. 

I worry about Will and James’ relationship. The last few years have shifted things. James has gone through school trauma, family changes, interpersonal issues, and the challenges of blending families. We’ve repeatedly got him help, but talking therapies haven’t worked. Six to eight weeks is just enough time for him to trust someone before the therapy ends, so he carries anger. Like my Wicked Wednesday posts showed, James also gets himself into unintentional trouble which sometimes impacts Will and their Mum, which he really doesn’t like.

Will has reached his limit a few times, wants and expects better, and gets frustrated that he shouldn’t have to keep giving James chances.

James has gone through a lot. It doesn’t mean he can’t be self‑opinionated, argumentative, or unnecessary at times, because he can, but lots of teens are like that, especially those carrying more than their share. Will, however, sees me defending him. I don’t agree with James’s behaviour, but he’s family. You don’t have to approve of someone to keep showing up for them.

It’s also not about giving James endless chances. They’re both still kids. They may not feel like it. I was the same at their age. I don’t think I matured until my mid‑thirties. They have a whole life ahead of them. Just be mindful of that, but don’t give up on each other. Even if James argues, avoids apologising, and starts again like nothing happened, he loves his family fiercely.

Despite not having a relationship with my brother, I wouldn’t be opposed to one. Hannah’s family has a wonderful dynamic where all the children, grandchildren, and great grandchild of Hannah’s Grandma get together every other year. It’s upsetting for me. Hannah and the kids are all I have. I don’t want James to be alone when he’s older because the teenage years were rough. He can grow and change. Just like many of us did.

For most of their lives, they were happy, loving, and close. They should have another fifty years of that. I want them to grow into the kind of brothers who show up for each other, forgive, stay connected, and build the kind of family I never had.

That’s all I’ve ever wanted for them. I know it's not always bad. They still have wonderful sibling moments. 

[Image 15. Will and James in 2024 wearing grey suits and waistcoats as part of their attire for our wedding. Both have their arms around each shoulder, as they proudly smile together]

[Image 16. James is on the left wearing a grey suits, as Will is on the right wearing a blue suit in 2025. Both are striking a pose for the camera, as they have their arms crossed and shoe heels touching]

[Image 17. Will is sat on the left wearing a grey gamer t-shirt and green shorts. James is on the right, wearing his black clothing still. I took this photo as I caught them sitting in exactly the same position, with the same leg crossed and arms folded, facing me]

I just want it to continue.