3 Years since we lost Mum

It has been 3 years today since we lost my wonderful Mum.

3 years is nothing in time, it goes quite quickly. Yet, so much can happen in that time, so much so that I honestly believe that I am a shell of the man that I was 3 years ago.

I still remember that week like it was yesterday.

It was a rough week; my D.P.D was undiagnosed and flaring way beyond control. My emotions were a mess and I had no idea which way was up; I was only 3 months away from being sectioned and needed something to really push and break me.

I remember visiting my Mum a lot that week. I was a massive Mummy’s boy, no doubt about it. We were, and still are, so much alike and in my hour of need I did what I always did and turned to her for support.

Mum could be taken two ways:

She was stern, hard and a force to be reckoned with. She came across as stubborn, strong willed and quite interfering.

Then there was her sweet and loving side. She would do absolutely anything for anyone even if that meant that she had to go the extra mile to help you out.

The day before she died I turned up at her house in a complete mess, there she was sitting in her armchair, she took one look at me and called me over, put her arm around me and gave me a cuddle. She listened to me and told me, what seemed, hundreds of things that made me special, unique and actually worth more than crying and feeling worthless. Then she moaned and told me off, I was not this person that I, or others, thought I was and I needed to stop thinking that; I needed help to be reminded who I was and she would help me.

The following day came. Such a surprise, such a shock; no one expected it to be her. Dad and his continual ill health was the one expected but not her. She was far too strong.

That day was horrid. That day I was broken. That was the day that I lost the person who was my constant in my life.

She was the one who wanted to adopt me.

She was the one who helped me through all my troubles at school.

Mum was the one who came to every hospital appointment, who showed me every step of the way that I should never be defined by my disability that I was something of more value; this is something I have always tried to believe.

She was the one who always had my back, whatever happened.

In those three years I have had my nervous breakdown and I learnt who I was and built myself back up; I worked hard and I would use the strength that she saw in me and focus on pushing forward.

That worked and I see so much of who I am today because of her. I catch myself saying the same things to the boys that she used to say to us.

I seem to be reliving the places that I went to as a child with the boys.

And, Importantly, I do seem to have that stubborn streak that she had. She would have never given up and neither shall I.

I hate that she has missed out on seeing the boys, whom she adored, grow into the little characters that they are. She would have been firm and stern but would have spoilt them in her own way.

I looked at Mum’s passing and tried to see the strained relationship with my Dad as a second chance; a chance to build a relationship and bond like we didn’t have before.

Yet, I feel like I have disappointed her here as after 3 years I am living by myself again, my relationship with dad is still difficult and living with him in that time didn’t do anything other than become hard; a lot harder than I ever imagined.

Today is tough.

Today I see myself in a similar position as I was in 3 years ago. My emotions are all over the place and feel constantly in a flux between doing Okay to then being an emotional mess.

Why? Because my D.P.D is still flaring and I haven’t had the focus yet to push through it. (The relationship that ended hit me a lot harder than I would ever fully admit.)

Today is a day that I would do anything to have my Mum around, to have that cuddle that she gave me, to remind me of who I really am.

This is a day that I would love her to tell me that I am Okay and that she is proud of me; the latter is something that I am so unsure about.

Today though she will be in my thoughts and I will remember all of the good.

She was my Mum and she loved me: just as we all loved her.