Tuesday, 1 September 2015

Is this the end of Dating?

“You've never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable. Known someone that could level you with her eyes, feeling like God put an angel on earth just for you. Who could rescue you from the depths of hell. And you wouldn't know what it's like to be her angel, to have that love for her, be there forever, through anything, through cancer. And you wouldn't know about sleeping sitting up in the hospital room for two months, holding her hand, because the doctors could see in your eyes, that the terms "visiting hours" don't apply to you. You don't know about real loss, 'cause it only occurs when you've loved something more than you love yourself.”
Robin Williams, Good Will Hunting

“Love is the easiest thing to have. Falling in love shouldn’t be difficult; it should be easy, fun and exciting. There shouldn’t be any complications; that should come later. But to start, that should be easy.”
My Mum

I love these two quotes.
The first is from my all-time favourite movie; there are just so many elements to the film that I can relate to. The quote is something that I have always had in my head, way before I even saw the film. Some would look at it and see some hyped up Hollywood style ideal of love and romance. Yet, for me I see that as love. 

My Mum and Dad were examples of this. They would fight like mad at times but in their darkest moments you could see them standing side by side, hand in hand, there for each other. They had this love.
Despite my disability I have always been able to date and have relationships. Yet amongst all the relationships there has always been this awkward barrier between simple, easy love. This, in truth, is usually a fight against being with someone with a disability, like mine, verse the great guy that I am. Throughout the years I can honestly say that I have only had one relationship that started the way my Mum had said. That was the most recent relationship.

Prior to 2015 I stayed single for a while.
In December 2012 I ventured into dating and even tried online dating. At the time I dated someone for a few months and it wasn’t right. She was resentful of the time that I have with the boys and ultimately put me in the position of her and them; as if it was even a choice! 

I decided that it was time to step away from dating and spent over 2 years focusing on myself, my life and specifically the boys.
It was great. I was happy, focused and regained my identity.

This year, in my mind, was my year to meet someone and try again; and why not? I deserve happiness too, don’t I?
I found happiness, It was great. In searching I was extremely cautious in my choosing and despite how things eventually turned out I think at the time I chose extremely well.

 However my last relationship ended around 9 weeks ago so on Friday I decided that I would try again and sign back up to online dating. 

Online dating hasn’t really ever been my “thing” but it offers some advantages; mainly stops the immediate barrier due to my disability and gives people the opportunity to actually chat and get to know me and realise that I am an awesome guy.
Considering it has only been a few days I think I have done well. I have had a fair few messages sent and it is nice that I got that. There have been two ladies particularly who seem really genuine and nice who have clearly taken an interest in me. (So it can’t all be that bad) 

The thing is that I can look at this and see these positives yet it doesn’t feel right.
One of the biggest issues seems to be language. The way they write a message, how they spell, if they use text talk (pet peeve) or even just being able to hold a conversation! 

I have decided then that I will give up on dating. (And delete my dating profiles)
Part of me is gutted and thinks “Don’t give up yet” but I know part of that are elements of my D.P.D and the fear of being alone. I would love to have the love that my parents had. 

I deserve happiness, I know I do, so don’t think that this is me being depressing; I am great when you get to know me. But I am, honestly, sick and tired of looking, of playing the ‘game’, taking the risks that dating has for me and not getting very far, it is tiring.
There are still people that 'wow' and intrigue me or who I enjoy and want to talk to, so I would like to think someone, one day, would do the same for me. I also know that I am pretty amazing if you take the time to find out and although I’m no pin up I am also not in the 'ugly' end of looks. 

Despite this, with my ever progressing health problems, I think it will be difficult to get more opportunities, so instead of searching and being disappointed or hurt that it is time to stop. But who knows, maybe one day.
One thing is for sure, I won’t be actively seeking it. So unless something changes, this will be the end of dating for me.


Anita Cleare said...

It was when I gave up on finding love that I met my husband. Perhaps, that act of reconciling myself to the 'other' future as a permanent single parent liberated me to find love on an even keel. Maybe that's psychobabble, I don't know, but perhaps accepting that love might not happen and that is ok (and has its advantages too) will move you forward in ways you can't yet foresee?

Martyn Kitney said...

I totally get that and prior to this year I felt exactly the same. Maybe I just hadn't come to that conclusion fully. I hope that you are right, I haven't list hope either but that doesn't mean that I don't think it's for the best that I stop. Thanks for commenting.