Wednesday, 4 November 2015

When Facebook went quiet

Facebook has good points and bad.

At the moment, for example, I am really enjoying the memories that look back over the years and show what you were writing about.
Since Sunday mine are showing everything apart from the year 2012. There is a reason for this; this time, 3 years ago, was when I was sectioned.

It’s strange thinking about what happened all that time ago. There are clear memories about what it was like and there are also massive voids.
2012 was a rubbish year.

It was a year where my Marriage was officially over; we had tried for some time to be separated and see each other but all this did was cause more problems.
It was a year where, within the separation, money and debt landed straight at my door. All the debt that had been acquired during the marriage came straight to me. Bing recently made unemployed increased the pressure of this.

I barely saw my children. I had a whole day with William each week and I didn’t really have James until May (When he turned 1) This added to the fact that there was a new man taking on the role of “Dad” made me feel like my role as their father was obsolete.
I had started dating but that relationship was volatile, harsh and in truth unhealthy for all involved. We were constantly on and off and games being played.

Then the biggest heartache that could have hit me, did; the passing off my Mum in the August. It was sudden. I lost one of the most constant and loving people in my life. I stood there and watched breathtakingly as paramedics tried to help with no avail. With that I also saw the two men, my Brother and my Dad, who I respect and love for their strength, instantly fall apart around me.
I felt alone and isolated. Everything around me seemed to be falling apart and I had nothing that I could clearly see to ground me. I turned to drink.

One destructive path is enough. I was on it and walking into depths of darkness. I started cutting myself only so I could physically hurt as much as I felt inside. I despised everything about me.  My life just seemed to simply be on repeat: cut, smoke, drink, and pretend to be “ok”.
Friends and family started noticing a change. Something was different about me but for them it just seemed like I was grieving; why would they think differently? I had no known mental health diagnosis only my Muscular Dystrophy. 

The cuts started to get deeper and deeper. The idea that I was alone and then the added fact that I was in pain constantly with my MD made me feel hopeless.
By November it was clear I needed help.

Unknowingly to me it took one more event and I was done. These cuts were going to be the deepest; I didn’t want to be here anymore. Luckily family arrived, I was erratic and making sense didn’t seem relevant. Eventually the crisis team were called and on assessment, and for my own safety, I was sectioned.
A lot of what happened next is a blur; each day seemed to merge into the next. That was until I sat in front of the psychiatric team. We spoke in length about everything that had happen and then finally they said to me:

“You’ve had a Nervous Breakdown. We believe elements of this are due to you having a personality disorder”.

The relief was phenomenal. Every moment they spent explaining the aspects of D.P.D the more and more it made sense. This was me.
They explained that the nervous breakdown is just an indication that I had reached my limit, not that I was going mad; which I felt like I was. There's a limit to us all and there's a limit to how much you can cope with too. Life had just thrown too much at me and subsequently I depleted the strength of being able to cope.

Once the Doctor’s had listed all that I went through within a space of a year it really didn’t seem like a surprise that I was pushed to the limit. Putting all the pieces together had never really occurred to me; each bad event just seemed to be on the back of another.
Their words comforted me though

“You could have broken sooner. You must be strong to have coped with all that you have”

Three years on and I am only a little bit closer to getting treated. What appears to be apparent is that the strength I showed then has stayed with me to carry on to where I am now.



So my Facebook memories may be quiet but my own are not. I can look at the Facebook void and not be ashamed at what happened. The fact that I have spoken about it is still upsetting but it happened and was the start of my Mental Health journey but more importantly the start of who I am today.

18 comments:

Unknown said...

Martyn, your strength and courage are commendable. Hopefully others won't feel shame and can get the help they need because of your boldness to discuss this.

You're a good man and a great father to those two boys. And you're an encouragement to all of us. Keep up the good work and keep fighting and keep your faith. Better days are ahead.

Emily Twin Mummy and Daddy said...

Martyn, having met you earlier this year I have to say that you came across as one of the most genuine. honest men I've ever met. I agree with Sunshine Dad that your strength and courage is commendable. I admire you for being so honest in writing this post and I think it's important that people with mental health disorders talk openly about them so that awareness can be raised. Thank you for sharing this with us x

Tracey Abrahams said...

Your honesty in this post is a credit to you Martyn. Its not easy to talk about mental health issues, or admit to the depths we can fall when the illness takes a grip. But you have, and your strength and bravery in doing so will im sure help other people and raise awareness of this aweful condition and the fact that men suffer too.
Ive not known you long,but I think you are quite awesome. Keep strong, keep talking, and keep getting better my friend xx

Unknown said...

Martyn thank you so much for sharing your story. 2012..yup, that sucks big time. You must be a really strong person to cope with all of that without breaking down sooner. I remember when my Dad had a nervous breakdown, my Grampy was ill and work was awful too, I just went into a depression, kept hidden from the world masked by booze and smoking, well in your 20's it just seems like normal behaviour doesn't it? so I covered it well. Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of and I am so proud of you for sharing. Sorry if that sounds patronising, it isn;t meant that way. Lizzie xo

Nigel said...

A truly inspirational post so very brave of you Martyn to write about this part of your life with such honesty as em said you are one of the most genuine guys around I class you as a friend even though I have never met you in person thank you for sharing such a personal post :)

JOhn Adams said...

That's quite a story Matryn. I think the medical team were right; many people would have reached their limit much sooner. That must have been a very tough year indeed. I hope you never have a repeat.

Unknown said...

When folk like you are brave enough to be honest, folk who are also so clearly respected, it challenges those dumb enough to think a breakdowns is a sign of weakness and is a gift of solidarity for everyone currently struggling through

Bear and Cardigan said...

How did you manage to get through all of that? I can't imagine how horrendous it must have been. My mother died in 2012 too. It took me 3 months to be able to return to work and to be sociable again. It has completely changed who I am. So glad you did get through, I enjoy our twitter chats!

Sally

Martyn Kitney said...

Thank you Mike. It is greatly appreciated.

Martyn Kitney said...

Thank you Emily for your very kind words. There's no other way with this than be honest and open I think it's the only people recognise mental health more.

Martyn Kitney said...

Aww thank you Tracey. I think you're awesome too. It isn't easy to talk about or for men to talk about but sometimes it's in those moments where you really need to!

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks Lizzie. I think that's one of the weird things. Actions that are expected at that age can cover up any behaviour when in reality the person needs help. It's also difficult to get out of for that reason.

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks Nigel. You're welcome to my friend.

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks John. I hope I don't too. But the amount of things that happened id be very unlucky with that again.

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks Maz. Talking about it is half the battle. Hopefully more people will understand it better then and the stupid attitude of it being a weakness can stop.

Martyn Kitney said...

I have no idea to be honest. Some how just did. It's amazing what hits us and how we may struggle with it. But it definitely makes us stronger too.

Anonymous said...

I know how hard it is to be honest and so open, you should be immensely proud of how brave you are and also how much this post can help others

Martyn Kitney said...

Thank you. It is difficult at times but it's also good to share these posts to help others too!