Most of us are now in the swing of this Christmas thing that
seems to have snuck up on us.
I am halfway there when it comes to being ready but with
only 17 more sleeps to go (thanks for reminding me boys) time is running out.
One thing that I am all sorted for is the arrangements for
access with the boys over the holiday period.
I have always been very lucky when it comes to our Christmas
arrangements year on year where I have consistently had the boys for the whole
of Christmas day. (I usually have them Christmas Eve evening through to Boxing Day
morning) and with that I usually get New Years Eve off too; i am really lucky!
Most people have the idea that Christmas and the holiday
season is a mad packed month of organising to enjoy a family day/s together but
it isn’t always that straightforward for a lot of single parent families.
There are often feelings of rejection, loneliness,
abandonment and raw emotions and more often than not it comes out when trying
to organise where the children are meant to be.
Despite the fact that we have a good co-parentingrelationship it hasn’t always been that way; the boys mum has said on the blog
before that at one point we were full of venom and brimstone and all those
other metaphors with each other which indicate that the end was full of pain.
It is hard because there is so much raw emotion because
after all you have your own hurt and the natural feeling to protect your
children. I have been in the situation where compromises failed, the police
visits and the divorce solicitors and government bodies, interfering family and
friends. It isn’t easy.
I know many people who are still in that position and have
been for much longer than I was and they, as well as you, may just be rolling
your eyes at this because it is still hard but this is the time of year when it
needs to change…..just a bit.
The most important thing here is to stay calm and
communicate but saying that I also know it is far easier said than done.
As mentioned above, when children are involved in a split
you have a massive emotional link with your ex-partner, one that routes
straight to expressive raw emotions. Yet, this is why it is important to communicate
because if you don’t and you are quick to fight and compete with each other you
are losing sight of what is important; the well-being and happiness of the
child or children.
With Christmas quickly approaching it, again, is easy to
fall into the competition trap. What can I do to make them happy with me? Can I
buy better presents? When can I have them? I want to have them for dinner and
opening presents in the morning!
Stop! You have to step back and remember it is about the
kids.
Step back and think directly about your children; it isn't
about money and buying the biggest best present, it is knowing your child
directly and subsequently buying specifically for them and they will love
whatever it is.
You might not gain brownie points for have a fancy Christmas
but in the long run you will see your children playing and engaging with those gifts
for the next year, allowing them to grow further into a unique individual. That
is what is important.
My plea then is this:
Don't compete, don't argue, sit and take a breath and think
directly about your child. If this is still difficult then calmly talk and
communicate with your ex and make sure you remember that it is time for family
and loved ones so centralise your Christmas around that and enjoy it.
The boys have several Christmas day’s; they celebrate with
their mum, partner and some family Christmas Eve, Christmas Day with me and
then celebrating with their mum and more family Boxing Day. They don’t worry or
question which day it is just the family and love that they experience.
It is a time of year for all single parents to stop arguing
and competing and just love the gift that you gave each other, your children.
It's time to change your story. Stop trying to make history
and start changing the future.
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