A Matter of Consent

Spring is finally here, the sun is coming out more, the clocks changed and everyone seems to be a tad happier. For us, this also mean that there is an increase in family events, BBQ’s and enjoyment for all.

We, as many families and bloggers do, try to capture all our fun in one photo and selfie at a time. However, recently, when it came to group photos the boys were asked to join in which they respectfully said no; this obviously didn’t go down well with family members who felt it necessary to persuade and, in some cases, bribe them to join in. Yet, the boys continued to voice their refusal and with me finally convincing the family not to pursue it.

Then, a little later, whist eating dinner Grandad turned to me and said “When will you get his [Williams] haircut?”

In both situations I was a little taken back. Why should people, even family, feel the need to push children into situations like photographs when they clearly have said no? Or, why is it my decision to make my son get his haircut, shouldn’t it be his?

How would we feel, as adults, if we were forced to do something we didn’t want?

Personally, I see each of these scenarios as a matter of consent.

When people initially mention consent in association with a child or adult they do not usually consider smaller situations in the same category but I don’t see why there is any differentiation.

Consent isn’t just about sex. It isn’t just about rape.

If it is something that I would feel upset about, if forced, then I believe children reserve that same right to say no; when did we start treating children as credulous beings?

Childism, the concept that children should be respected as human beings, is based on the idea that children are people too despite size and experience; we should, therefore, always try to see things from their perspective when interacting with them. 

This doesn’t mean we promote behaviour that creates a generation of disrespectful wildlings but instead acknowledge their thoughts and feelings.

We should instantly stop the habit of “because I said so” and “I am your Parent, you do as I say” as well as teaching children that the chain of excuses for forced situations between adult to child is acceptable and instead recognise children’s freedom of speech.

The definition of consent is ‘permission for something to happen, or an agreement about something’.

We can give consent in any aspect of our lives, from consenting to hospital treatment to consenting to cookies being stored when we access a website.

Why is it then so radical that kids should be taught that they have the right to withhold consent, if someone is doing or asking something of them that they don’t want?

One situation that often comes up is when children are play fighting or tickling. A child may be saying no, but giggling and laughing at the same time.

However, this is a crucial time. This usually happens when toddlers are developing a sense of empathy and is, therefore, an ideal time to introduce the topic. This doesn’t happen automatically, it needs to be taught. Whatever the situation, it is important that children are introduced to the concept that when the other person has had enough and said no, you stop.

It should also be stressed that “boys will be boys” excuses will not be tolerated for behaviour such as verbal or physical harassment of others either. “He’s doing it because he likes you” is not an acceptable response to a girl who has been hit or teased by a boy; or the reverse if a girl was doing it!

Instead, it is my opinion that all young people (or any age) need to know the importance of building healthy relationships and identifying those relationships that are unhealthy.

It is the person seeking consent who is responsible (ethically and legally) for ensuring that consent is given and for ensuring that that person has the freedom and capacity to give their consent.

The legal position is clear:

“If consent is not clear, informed, willing and active, it must be assumed that consent has not been given. If consent is not clearly given, or is given and then subsequently retracted, this decision must always be respected. Since people can change their minds, or consent to one thing but not to something else, the seeker of consent must keep assessing whether consent is clear, informed, willing and active. Consent must be seen as an ongoing process, not a ‘one-off’.

In healthy relationships, both parties respectfully seek each other’s consent and know that their decision to give or not give consent will be respected.”

There is nothing here that states that different scenarios allow a loose degree on consent. Consent is absolute.

I mentioned at the start about William’s hair; he is growing it long because he wants to. Yes, it is a little “scruffy” at times but that is his choice and I wouldn’t take him to the hairdressers and make him have a haircut because I believed that it was the right thing to do.

Children need to know that they and they alone own their body and that if they don’t want to hold hands, kiss or hug, have their hair cut or even have a photograph posted online, they can refuse and it is respected.

Consent is a tricky topic because there is obviously a line between consenting to do something, allowing freedom within dangerous situations and disrespecting people through rudeness. However, I believe that it is an achievable and crucial lesson for children nonetheless. Of course respect and manners should be taught but we need to teach them in a way to let kids know that they also deserve respect, boundaries and choices in return.

When we respect that a child saying no really means no it builds a foundation for them to understand consent on the wider scale. So, although it doesn’t always mean consent for sex it does help teach about it and value their voice.

I say that we should give children credit to participate in what they want to do but with our amalgamation of guidance, love, wisdom and understanding.

What do you think?