Wednesday, 22 July 2015

Am I the Bad Guy?

I was sitting this morning enjoying my first coffee of the day and watching the boys play before we did our manic mid morning dash.

(Last Christmas Santa got the boys some 80s He-Man action figures)

Watching and listening this conversation unfolded:

James: "I want to be Ram man because he's good at jumping."

William: "oh that's not fair, I was the bad guy yesterday. Why am I always the bad guy?"

This hit a nerve with me; I, especially at the moment, seem to always be the bad guy.

Last week I did a post about how "I am Amazing" and there are still elements about that post that I whole heartedly believe. Yet, in truth, these last few weeks my self esteem has been pretty low and with that I equally feel far from amazing.

The main problem is the above though; I feel like the bad guy.

I see myself as kind and considerate of others and will do my hardest to help people out if I can. I don't lie even when the truth is hurtful and, the biggest thing,  I hide. These points are honestly what I think of myself but it's upsetting when you think others might think differently of you.

In Ally's guest post about me she said I hide a lot and this rung pretty true; so much so that ive tried not to whilst going through everything these last few weeks.

Both her and others have pointed out that within this lovely community there are people who honestly care about me. Therefore, if I struggle with anything that I should talk about it, openly,  even if its on Twitter; this last week I've done this.

The loving support I've got from everyone regarding my sleep patterns, my horrible nightmares and my low mood has been fantastic and I thank you all for that. But in talking outside of my blog I've done two things:

1. Decided I'm not going to hide what I'm going through.

2. Put my faults out there and allowing it to look like im seeking attention or brandishing my health problems.

But was this the right thing?

I am determined that I won't ever say anything that seeks pity or attention; I'd rather talk and be supported because of who I am, not for what I've said. I also don't want to hide behind my dependant personality disorder; I have these issues, they're apart of me but not a shield for me to hide behind or to brandish for sympathy. I wouldn't want people to think I'm doing that.

I have this week been rude, blunt and an idiot. Now, again, I don't say this for sympathy, I say this to show that I can be a grade A prat at times. I know this.

This attitude is against my nature. I hate that side of me, hate arguing, but there has to be a side where I say my part if I'm upset with something; as mentioned above, I'll always be honest but also don't want to be treated badly because I am nice.

I've also reached out and showed that i care about people, that I'm willing to support them despite what's going on.

This is me, I will do anything for anyone. Yet, again, I now worry how it appears: even then i feel like the bad guy; will I look like I'm manipulative, playing a game or worse being false? I know you shouldn't worry about others but I do because I don't want a version of me out there that isn't real.

Talk openly then I look like I could be brandishing my issues for sympathy.  I could hide and struggle and then feel worse by myself and look like im sulking. I could lie and pretend to be happy and appear to be be false to the people who know me. I could reach out and be friendly and caring, as is my way and look like I'm fake, or I could have my say and look like a horrible person. All of these things I feel like ive been at some point this week. I feel like the bad guy.

What I don't want is to look like this is the "true" me that ive hidden myself all this time; I would think everyone would have noticed by now.

I'd like people to see me as kind, friendly, happy, amazing guy that just at the moment is having a rough time. So why does everything i try and do seem to be wrong? I just feel that I'm constantly the bad guy that maybe the best thing for me to do is just keep quiet and hide again; i do this because what appears to be apparent is that "I can't do right for doing wrong"

So what would you do?

Am I human for sharing my difficulties publicly? or do I, in doing this, just run the risk of others thinking I am the bad guy?


Adventures of a Novice Mum said...

Well, this is your blog, your record of your thoughts and life.

I think some of us have the tendency to judge ourselves more harshly than others would ever do.

A time comes when you've just got to stop worrying about how you come across to others. Why? Unfortunately, we can't truly control what others think, can we.

We have to find a way to be alright with being true to ourselves inspite of what others might think or not think.

You know how you like to be seen, but you can control this ... not really. I say, just be you and try not to worry about what comes across or doesn't. And you know what? I think what comes across will be what you want people to see: a kind, friendly guy who is having a rough time, like we all do :-) #Facebook

Natalie Streets said...

I don't think you're the bad guy. I think you're real. And I like that, and so do many others! The ones who think you're the bad guy are not worth bothering with because whatever you do they will never be happy. I'm going to stop here before I write something you feel can't be published ;-) xx

Moderate Mum said...

I feel that anyone who shares almost anything on the internet runs the risk of being seen as a 'bad guy' because you never know what may be triggering to another person. Personally I wouldn't censor myself for fear of that as I think you will help far more people than you harm being open. I get the feeling that's it's really important for you to be authentic and I really respect that but it's also important to know that you don't owe everyone ALL of you and it's not dishonest to write about, for example, how well home schooling is going and omit that you feel crap if that's what you need to do at that time. I also don't think it matters what your motivation is for sharing your problems or challenges! If one write about their problems for sympathy I think that's valid. What's sympathy other than human connection. For the record that's not the impression I get from you at all, you seem super strong and non self pitying and don't really seem to ask much of your community. Feel free to ask more. we like it :)