Thursday, 23 July 2015

Having a Dependant Personality Disorder



So as a lot of you know I have been having a couple of rough weeks.

I have a Dependant Personality Disorder.


Dependent personality disorder; What is it? 

Dependent personality disorder is characterized by a long-standing fear of being abandoned or separated from important individuals in the persons life and subsequently a need for the person to be taken care of.

This leads them to engage in dependent and submissive behaviours that are designed to elicit care-giving behaviour in others; Ultimately individuals may be seen as being “clingy” or “clinging on” to others, because the person fears they can’t live their lives without the help of others.

If I lose someone I try and fight for them to stay in my life, even if it causes a detriment in a small space of time.

Individuals with D.P.D are often characterized by pessimism and self-doubt, tend to belittle their abilities and assets, and may constantly refer to themselves as “stupid.” 

They take criticism and disapproval as proof of their worthlessness and lose faith in themselves. (Hence my recent post “Am I the Bad guy”)

Social relations tend to be limited to those few people on whom the individual is dependent.

The main features 

1. Has difficulty making everyday decisions without an excessive amount of advice and reassurance from others

2. Needs others to assume responsibility for most major areas of his or her life

3. Has difficulty expressing disagreement with others because of fear of loss of support or approval

4. Has difficulty initiating projects or doing things on his or her own (because of a lack of self-confidence in judgement or abilities rather than a lack of motivation or energy)

5. Goes to excessive lengths to obtain nurture and support from others, to the point of volunteering to do things that are unpleasant

6. Feels uncomfortable or helpless when alone because of exaggerated fears of being unable to care for himself or herself

7. Urgently seeks another relationship as a source of care, love, reassurance and support when a close relationship ends

How it affects me

I can make everyday decisions, like I know I have to get dressed in the morning but there can be times when I have spent more than 20 minutes, in a panic, looking and trying to work out what to wear. I am lucky in these cases as I have good friends like Ally, who I just message some pictures and she picks for me.

These can be “minor” but in other ways they're not; these are decisions that need to me made. They also include bigger decisions like “What do you think of the flat, have I made the right decision to move there?”

I can put my point across if I feel like I have been treated badly or if I am backed into a corner. Yet, despite this it feels completely against my nature. I hate arguing, hate having to put a strong view point across as I am fearful that whatever I do will cause a massive ripple.

An example of this recently is where I have sought friends to read posts that I have written and give me their opinion on whether or not I will upset anyone. It is without the reassurance that I have a fear and self doubt and see any disapproval as a reflection on me.

“You haven’t made me feel like an idiot, I have done that myself” I look at a scenario and blame myself totally for it; It must have been because of me and my actions.

I am notorious for struggling to start a task without motivation. I am grateful then for people who go “i'd love to see one of your drawings, let me see later how far you have got” this gives me motivation to do something.

When I lose someone close to me, or have individuals (like my Boys) that become absent my initial response is to seek support. Yet, this is the main reason why I hide and have days “off”. If, potentially, i can cope with utter isolation then I am breaking against what my initial D.P.D reaction would be.

It isn’t pleasant though. I cry, feel panicked and scared as I want to talk to someone, anyone, get them to help me through whatever is wrong. I become dazed and confused and really struggle with what to do, to eat, wear, write or entertain myself. The problem is that if I did reach out at that time I would only be, mentally, replacing one person/activity with another.

(In the sense of dating I would hate that, it's disrespectful to the old person to be “forgotten” about and unfair for the new person to be used)

Then there is a break in routine. Routine is something in itself that I am dependant on. Having people message at set times, or to have days where I see them regularly, if that changes it triggers aspects. The absence becomes a massive void and will always seem bigger than what it is.

In the past I have been moaned and criticised for not understanding space, or that I should expect someone to talk or message. This of course I respect and understand.

Yet, for example, if one person messaged me every morning for a month and always between 8am – 9am and on one day didn't, my mind would jump automatically to the conclusion that I have upset them or, as above, that it is a reflection on me. The problem then becomes bigger, because at that point I come across as clingy, pathetic and needy.

This though, I believe, is a reflection of that person. If you have taken the time to build up certain routines and know full well that I have D.P.D then they would, politely, take into account why I would behaving this way; I know it can be draining, take Ally's recent post about me for an example. But even she messages me with prior warning or understands that whatever I say it is just the D.P.D flaring.

When it comes to social interactions I am known to have panic attacks. If I openly acknowledge that this person is becoming close and that they may end up being a dependable person I automatically panic and become anxious.

The reverse is true too: one of the biggest thing is if I make a decision to create an absence in my life with someone I am dependant on. If I decide to take them out of my day to day I become panicked, full of anxiety, I hate myself, and go from coping to being a complete mess.

On the whole this is why I hide and don’t talk to much. This is also why I limit close friendships and am guarded with people and, ultimately, why I have been single for the last 2.5 years; I wont let my barrier down for many people as it runs the risk of triggering the above points; they have to prove to be worth it to start.

So this is D.P.D and this is what I go through every day at the moment. This is me at my worst where everything has flared. I do know though that within time I will get my balance and guard back up and be keeping it at bay again.

50 comments:

Natalie Ray said...

Well, I for one think you're amazing :) Don't underestimate how the fact that you are willing to share things like this on your blog will have a positive influence on other people who are going through something similar. Keep on being you. Things will soon be looking up again.

Ashley Beolens said...

Thanks for the insight, unless you experience many mental illnesses it is really hard to know quite how they will affect people, so your sharing goes a long way to help others understand :)

Sarah norris said...

Thank you for being brave enough to share this with us. I am pretty well up on mental health and disorders and I didn't even know that DPD existed and feel I have learnt a lot. I hope you find positive coping strategies to help with the break-up ad that you can find some peace of mind. Again...Thank You for sharing this with us :-) x

Angela Milnes said...

It sounds very difficult! The good thing is your aware of whats' going on and you write about it which will help you to recognise the triggers etc. It will also help others!

Angela from daysinbed

Polly Mixtures said...

You are brave to write about something so sensitive and personal to you. I hope that you're feeling better soon and that you find a way to work through or with these feelings.

Laura Powell-Corbett said...

Martyn you know my thoughts on this, whatever helps you is amazing so keep writing it. And in doing so hold onto the thought that you are helping others out there who also have dpd. Be proud. Be sabled in all aspects of your life! X

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks Natalie. I'm pleased to have written this. It needed to be said sooner or later. And great that people like yourself think I'm amazing.

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks Ashley. I thought it was about time to share how it affects me.

Martyn Kitney said...

Thank you Sarah. I felt it time to share how it affects me. I mention it in passing but I've never shared fully. Am pleased that you've learnt it.

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks Angela. I think it need to be shared as I haven't found any real people writing about it.

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks polly. It was tough but I felt it was the right time.

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks Laura. I'm glad through our chat tht you helped me to get to write about it. I hope it helps others. Being proud though will take my time.

Rob said...

I can definitely see a few of my own personality traits in some of what you wrote and appreciate how open and honest you have been without being over the top. It certainly sounds like you have some great support mechanisms in place. Good luck and keep writing. #bigfatlinky

Silly Mummy said...

This is very interesting - particularly to hear DPD described from the point of view of someone with it, rather than from a medical/professional viewpoint. I used to do a job that led to me working with a lot of people with a lot of different types of Personality Disorder. Whilst there are many types and they are very, very different to each other, I do think that one thing they have in common is that people find them quite hard to understand and to know how to cope with people who have them. To my mind, I think it is that there is something quite intangible about it - people find it very hard to understand that people suffering from Personality Disorders just innately do not have quite the same responses to a lot of emotional and social situations as they themselves do. I admire how hard you work to raise awareness and help people understand the way you think and how it affects your behaviour. #bigfatlinky

john adams said...

I admire these blog posts MArtyn. It's very important that these mental health discussions are had by people living with them.To someone like myself it is very beneficial to gain an understanding of conditions such as DPD. I'm sorry to hear you're having a tough time of it right now. I hope it passes swiftly. Please do keep up the good work speaking out. #BigFatLinky

Michelle Reeves (The Essex Barn) said...

Firstly, thank you for sharing this. It's so brave to stand up and say "this is me, warts and all" and I admire that greatly. Secondly, thank you for helping others who might be suffering in silence, by letting them know that they're not alone. You rock. #BigFatLinky

Chloe Ciliberto said...

It's so good that you're sharing things like this. I didn't know that this had a name or was a thing. This was me down to a t four years ago. For almost five years I needed reassurance in everything, help picking clothes, was clingy towards people, completely lacking in confidence and didn't ever feel like I could disagree with others. In fact I can completely relate to all of the above. After a break up, due to me being like this, I ended up spontaneously moving house (county even) to live with my best friend. I had to get a new job, meet new friends and in time (about 18 months) realised how I'd somehow at somepoint come out the otherside of this. I no longer needed approval or any of the above things. Four years later and I'm in a new relationship and have a little girl. Occasionally i spiral into this again, but only at times when life circumstances are getting a bit overwhelming (maybe it's because in times of great emotion our minds need help functioning in these areas). I hope things get better for you soon. It's so great that you can share this with such a loving and accepting community of people. :-) xxx

Mummy Fever said...

I think it is great that you are sharing your experiences. That has to be good for you but I am sure also for others reading this. #bigfatlinky

Jeremy Barnes said...

Brave post. I'm sure many of us interact daily with people that have these sorts of "hidden disorders'. Its good to be reminded that we shouldn't judge anybody because you never know whats going on in their head

Random Musings said...

It's great that you are in a place where you feel ready to share these feelings. I think that by sharing what's going on, you help people to understand aspects of your behavioural patterns and friends will understand what is going on and support you through it. I also think it's good that you recognise the triggers and have system in place to get you through the bad times. Thanks for hosting the #bigfatlinky
Debbie
www.myrandommusings.blogspot.com

Cuddle Fairy said...

Great post Martyn, very informative & very brave of you to share your feelings, worries & day to day life with your disorder. I'm sorry you had such a rough week. I hope things are better this week! Thanks so much for hosting #bigfatlinky :)

Elizabeth (Wander Mum) said...

Thanks for sharing Martyn....so, so interesting and an insight into what you must go through on a daily basis. Thanks for sharing what must have been a very difficult post to write. Having your blog and being able to vocalise and write your thoughts or feelings must be so cathartic. All the best and thanks for hosting #bigfatlinky xxx

Martyn Kitney said...

Thank rob. I think everyone has some traits of it. I think it's the in built response to it that stands out. Thanks for commenting

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks. That was why I did it. I've read many medical aspects but none first hand. I felt I should put a stamp on it myself. That's it, everyone has aspects but it's how you deal with them.

Martyn Kitney said...

Thank you John. That's the point of this. I think people should speak openly and to do so without hiding. It'll break down barriers that may be put in place. Especially for men. And if I speak out then people will also understand what I'm going through.

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks Michelle. The view of this being something that people don't talk first hand about is always frustrating. But I felt I needed to for myself and for others.

Martyn Kitney said...

It's interesting isn't it. People go through life with these things and don't realise there's a name for it. I know for a long time that there wasn't something quite right when I had these feelings and outbursts of difficulties. I'm pleased that this has come and gone and you're more settled. Sharing and getting the support is definitely a good thing.

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks. It was therapeutic writing it. I hope that it helps others too.

Martyn Kitney said...

Thank you Jeremy. It was difficult but therapeutic to write. I think people forget that this goes on. So if it helps others then that's for the good too.

Ali said...

I've never been aware of this disorder until reading it on your posts. It must be very difficult and frustrating to live with, especially when you're aware of it but have no control. I hope you find the right therapy to give you the coping mechanisms one day. Ali from Mum in a Nutshell popping over from the #bigfatlinky

Sarah Howe - Run Jump Scrap said...

Really hard post to write Martyn but very interesting at the same to understand a little more. It sounds so complex and very hard to live with. I am thankful that you have people like Ally who understand a little more and can help. xxx #bigfatlinky

Sophie P said...

That sounds so hard but you seem to deal with it so well. Thank you for sharing something that I really had no idea about! :-) #bigfatlinky

Laura said...

But you know that you will get there and be proud #bigfatlinky x

Hayleigh Tague said...

I hadn't heard of DPD before reading this. I was diagnosed with OCD a few years a go, I found the best way of coping with it is to be open and honest just as you have been here. Thanks for giving every one an in site of what it is like

Annie Robinson said...

Lovely honest post, I had never heard of DPD before either. But you sound very strong too. Keep going. Thank you for sharing. And thank you for hosting #bigfatlinky

Ami Roberts said...

Such an honest post that I can only assume but have been hard to write but a huge Kudos to you for doing so. You are so lucky to have people around you that can support you with this and I can only imagine how hard it must be day to day having to live with this. I( really hope you get yourself back soon as we've missed you on twitter :)
#bigfatlinky

Jo Ojosworld Henley said...

I have never heard of DPD, like a lot of people I suppose, so I have found this article fascinating! You write so openly, for that you should be incredibly proud, as after reading this, I understand that this would be difficult for you.
I went and had a read at Allys guest post too, what an incredible open post. You sound like you tag team each other very well.

Lucy Howard said...

Oh Martyn, I had no idea that you felt like this. I have been so immersed in my own stuff that I haven't been a good friend. It is so brave and admirable to write posts like this. It is important that your readers understand the extent a mental health issue can affect someone's everyday life. I hope that you begin to feel better soon. Big hugs Mrs H xxxx

Martyn Kitney said...

I agree. Sharing is the only way that people will know about these disorders.

Martyn Kitney said...

Thank you. Best to talk and share!

Martyn Kitney said...

It really is. Finding ways to talk through the blog makes it easier and os great to share for others to read too.

Martyn Kitney said...

It is frustrating, especially when it flares up. But I also have go used to it in places.

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks Sarah. It's not always easy but you get used to it and I'm lucky to have things set up to help.

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks Sophie. I do what I can with it. It's good to share and let others know about it!

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks Hayleigh. There's hundreds of different disorders so it's difficult to keep track on them all. The best way is to talk and share.

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks Annie. I don't think many people have heard of it. Hence being pleased that ive spoken about it.

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks Ami. You know I try and be honest with my writing, it's the only way. Luckily I'm back on twitter now and pushing forwards again.

Martyn Kitney said...

Thanks Jo. Best to get it out there without holding back. It's the only way people will understand and help others too.
Ally is a great friends and has done me proud with that post.

Martyn Kitney said...

No worries. You're a lovely lady and a great friend. Life just gets in the way. I agree. It's good to share it openly and for my readers to see the reasoning with it too.

sprinkle of pixie dust said...

Wow, this is an amazing and honest posts!I didn't realise that you had DPD, it sounds really tough to live with :( you should be proud of yourself for everything you have achieved:) and I hope you see your boys more now xx