Tuesday, 23 January 2018

A Month since I posted


It has been a month since I last posted.
It had almost been a month prior to that and the only thing that was keeping the blog going was the occasional My Sunday photo and my new guest post series “Throwaway Thursdays”.

I wrote back in September that my dad had been diagnosed, again, with Cancer and that would explain my absence. It was a lot to take on and I had the wonders of real life to throw myself back into along with the standard juggling that I was already doing.
I was taking my dad along to his radiotherapy and chemotherapy a couple times a week. I only have 2 days off a week between home educating the boys and working so I was literally giving my dad every moment that I could. My piano lessons were at my dad’s house and that meant that I would, alongside his hospital visits, be looking out for him there too with food intake and health checks.

This has pretty much carried on until the second week in December. The following week he had his consultation and an update was given.
Along with this we obviously had the “fun” that was Christmas. It wasn’t all stress as the boys and I had the pleasure of having our first blended Christmas with Hannah and the kids. Yet, with all of this there was still the looming concern of dad. We made sure to spend Christmas day with him and make it as pleasurable as possible.

Celebrating Christmas, enjoying the time I had with dad and keeping the children happy was my focus. Nothing else. I was absent from Twitter with throwing only a handful of tweets out over the holiday period, didn’t post on Instagram for 2 weeks, resigned from my responsibilities with the different admin group jobs I had and just carried on.
Blogging didn’t matter. Social media didn’t matter. Keeping up with people, with all due respect to them, didn’t matter.

Alongside all of this a few other things had been going on behind the scenes that I haven’t shared. I had 2 people, very close to me, attempt to take their lives. Although they were not my responsibility I couldn’t just abandon people I cared about so there was also the worry to go with that; which was never their fault. Anyone would worry if they were in that situation and would try to do all that they could to help. I will and have always tried to help and support if I could.
Despite my dad’s diagnosis my family home was changing rapidly in front of my eyes. My relatives had taken it upon themselves to change and adapt things but not in a productive way. The reasons why is unclear. Maybe it had something to do with dad getting sick, helping him, them doing “what they believed is right” and dad not being overly aware going with the flow; much to my disappointment and anger at certain aspects.

The boys, after a long wait, had started the paediatrician assessment process to find out once and for all the prognosis for their obvious additional needs. The outcome for each of them in some ways wasn’t really a surprise but it still hit a massive blow of acceptance. Something that has confused me; how on earth would something I “wanted” to be made clear hit me as much as it did? It is, after all, only the initial assessment on the long road ahead but it was still a heavy blow.
Then, and in addition too, my normal life stuff. My Muscular dystrophy which is every changing continued to play up and subsequently making a lot of situations harder for me. Something that I am sure was affected by seasonal weather. As well as my Dependent Personality disorder being a continual rollercoaster. This, in hindsight, makes perfect sense with the varied relationship issues mentioned above and the changes that were happening.

These last couple of months have been exceptionally hard on me and I have had to do what I can when I can.
However, the problem is that I would usually write all this down and publish it. My blog, after all, is Inside Martyn’s Thoughts and I know people read for that reason but the longer I took the more it seemed that what I wanted to write just seemed doom and gloom with me potentially becoming moaning myrtle of blogging. Then the pressure to write built up too.

Across social media I have had quite a few tweets, Dms, Instagram messages and Facebook messages from people checking that I was ok because I had been noticeably quiet; something that I am incredibly grateful for. The absences and the quiet has never been purposeful but I have had trouble sitting and writing about things here, let alone in messages.
I did, however, pose the question in a couple of groups as I felt that I had hit a wall and didn’t know how to get past it; something that is quite new for me to experience. The general consensus was to just write and not worry if I come across in a negative way. Yet, a few suggested that I should just write why I have been absent and why it has been difficult to write; hence this post.

My blog has always been and will continue to be the classic and true from of a weB LOG where I document my thoughts. I will try and find the words for these above topics and not worry if it all seems like a constant downer.  I am sure once it is written that I will feel more motivation to start writing other topics again.

4 comments:

Kim Carberry said...

It sounds like you have had so much to deal with over the last few months...I can understand why you have taken a step back from blogging and social media but you have been missed.
Send love and hugs. I hope things are better for you soon and writing this has helped getting things out x

Plutonium Sox said...

Okay, I'll say what everyone else is thinking. It's been a blessing that you've been quiet, it's like the irritating person at work losing their voice!
Hope things are on the up for you now, I look forward to moaning myrtle being back on the blog soon!
Nat.x

Kerry Dickerson said...

Good Lord you are having to hold a lot together and keep your sanity to , its no wonder you took a break from social media ! I hope a pray that things will get better for you and the family , peace be to you !

Jeremy Barnes said...

sorry to hear you've been having a hard time man