It has been a month since I last posted.
It had almost been a month prior to that and the only thing
that was keeping the blog going was the occasional My Sunday photo and my new
guest post series “Throwaway Thursdays”.
I wrote back in September that my dad had been diagnosed,
again, with Cancer and that would explain my absence. It was a lot to take on
and I had the wonders of real life to throw myself back into along with the
standard juggling that I was already doing.
I was taking my dad along to his radiotherapy and
chemotherapy a couple times a week. I only have 2 days off a week between home
educating the boys and working so I was literally giving my dad every moment
that I could. My piano lessons were at my dad’s house and that meant that I
would, alongside his hospital visits, be looking out for him there too with
food intake and health checks.
This has pretty much carried on until the second week in
December. The following week he had his consultation and an update was given.
Along with this we obviously had the “fun” that was Christmas.
It wasn’t all stress as the boys and I had the pleasure of having our first
blended Christmas with Hannah and the kids. Yet, with all of this there was
still the looming concern of dad. We made sure to spend Christmas day with him
and make it as pleasurable as possible.
Celebrating Christmas, enjoying the time I had with dad and
keeping the children happy was my focus. Nothing else. I was absent from
Twitter with throwing only a handful of tweets out over the holiday period, didn’t
post on Instagram for 2 weeks, resigned from my responsibilities with the
different admin group jobs I had and just carried on.
Blogging didn’t matter. Social media didn’t matter. Keeping
up with people, with all due respect to them, didn’t matter.
Alongside all of this a few other things had been going on
behind the scenes that I haven’t shared. I had 2 people, very close to me, attempt
to take their lives. Although they were not my responsibility I couldn’t just
abandon people I cared about so there was also the worry to go with that; which
was never their fault. Anyone would worry if they were in that situation and
would try to do all that they could to help. I will and have always tried to
help and support if I could.
Despite my dad’s diagnosis my family home was changing rapidly
in front of my eyes. My relatives had taken it upon themselves to change and
adapt things but not in a productive way. The reasons why is unclear. Maybe it
had something to do with dad getting sick, helping him, them doing “what they
believed is right” and dad not being overly aware going with the flow; much to
my disappointment and anger at certain aspects.
The boys, after a long wait, had started the paediatrician assessment
process to find out once and for all the prognosis for their obvious additional
needs. The outcome for each of them in some ways wasn’t really a surprise but
it still hit a massive blow of acceptance. Something that has confused me; how
on earth would something I “wanted” to be made clear hit me as much as it did? It
is, after all, only the initial assessment on the long road ahead but it was
still a heavy blow.
Then, and in addition too, my normal life stuff. My Muscular
dystrophy which is every changing continued to play up and subsequently making
a lot of situations harder for me. Something that I am sure was affected by
seasonal weather. As well as my Dependent Personality disorder being a
continual rollercoaster. This, in hindsight, makes perfect sense with the
varied relationship issues mentioned above and the changes that were happening.
These last couple of months have been exceptionally hard on
me and I have had to do what I can when I can.
However, the problem is that I would usually write all this
down and publish it. My blog, after all, is Inside Martyn’s Thoughts and I know
people read for that reason but the longer I took the more it seemed that what
I wanted to write just seemed doom and gloom with me potentially becoming
moaning myrtle of blogging. Then the pressure to write built up too.
Across social media I have had quite a few tweets, Dms, Instagram
messages and Facebook messages from people checking that I was ok because I had
been noticeably quiet; something that I am incredibly grateful for. The
absences and the quiet has never been purposeful but I have had trouble sitting
and writing about things here, let alone in messages.
I did, however, pose the question in a couple of groups as I
felt that I had hit a wall and didn’t know how to get past it; something that
is quite new for me to experience. The general consensus was to just write and
not worry if I come across in a negative way. Yet, a few suggested that I should
just write why I have been absent and why it has been difficult to write; hence
this post.
My blog has always been and will continue to be the classic
and true from of a weB LOG where I document my thoughts. I will try and find
the words for these above topics and not worry if it all seems like a constant
downer. I am sure once it is written
that I will feel more motivation to start writing other topics again.
4 comments:
It sounds like you have had so much to deal with over the last few months...I can understand why you have taken a step back from blogging and social media but you have been missed.
Send love and hugs. I hope things are better for you soon and writing this has helped getting things out x
Okay, I'll say what everyone else is thinking. It's been a blessing that you've been quiet, it's like the irritating person at work losing their voice!
Hope things are on the up for you now, I look forward to moaning myrtle being back on the blog soon!
Nat.x
Good Lord you are having to hold a lot together and keep your sanity to , its no wonder you took a break from social media ! I hope a pray that things will get better for you and the family , peace be to you !
sorry to hear you've been having a hard time man
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