Don’t get me wrong; this isn’t a reflection of her or our marriage but more as me as a person.
8 years ago I wasn’t the man that I am today.
A lot has changed.
Separating from the boys mum, going through a divorce, losing my mum suddenly, moving home several times, selling previously owned homes, going bankrupt, losing my job, becoming unemployed, trying to start a business, having a nervous breakdown, getting diagnosed with a complex mental health condition, living with a loved one with onset dementia and having a physical disability that is degenerative .
It is a lot to go through and when I look back at everything I went through it isn’t a surprise that I had a nervous breakdown in the middle of it all.
The truth was that I had a lot of growing up to do and going through all of the above was life's way of making sure that I did.
As a husband I was rubbish. As a dad I was rubbish.
Everyone is different and everyone has a different way of how they live so this isn’t a judgement on those who have or live the way I was living but for me it was disconnected and absent.
I was the man who would work 12 hours a day, come home, expect my dinner on the table, do the minimum of bathing or playing with the children, put them to bed, crack open a beer or 2 and then relax.
Housework and the majority of the parenting was pretty much left down to the boys mum.
(Phone in hand. Laptop in front of me. TV on. Beer on the piano. Yet, my eyes aren't on my child in front of me)
I was, in many ways, a stereotype of a working househusband (Ironically my dictionary whilst writing this will show the word housewife but not househusband) who did “his work throughout the day whilst my wife was home “not working” and just being with the kids".
Looking back I was an arse.
The separation was a real eye opener.
The breakup was messy to start. It was what all newly separated people do. They bicker and fight like they’re still married and dictate in a way that presents itself as “possession” over the other.
In some ways it is understandable.
For a certain period of time you have worked as a partnership. Every decision is made together. Yet, now you’re separated the other person has no obligation to do anything that you suggest.
Silliness gets in the way. You do something for them, say pay a few bills and you think you have the right to dictate what and when something happens.
But you don’t.
You lost that right when you became single.
You would think it seems pretty straightforward but when you’re in the moment it isn’t.
I have seen so many separated parents go through it.
However, over time things do change. You do somehow break away from it and you can start working together as a co-parenting relationship and start concentrating on the children rather than each other. Of course there are many examples when this doesn’t happen and you find that the pettiness and stupidity continues and too much has gone past to ever sensibly put things aside.
But, you still need to solely think of the kids not the other adult however hard that might be.
They’re not your responsibility.
It isn’t down to you to pay for them. It isn’t down to you to help them out. It isn’t down to you to make sure they keep in contact with the kids.
It is easy to say that you’re doing all of it so the kids don’t miss out but it’s an excuse; the other adult is no longer your responsibility.
The biggest change for me was a simple phase the boys mum said in the middle of the harder parts; “stop comparing yourself against the bad parents and start comparing against the good ones.”
Admittedly that was an extremely tough pill to swallow.
I was taking my kids out and doing the minimum but that was “ok”. At least I wasn’t one of “those dads who don’t bother".
But after thinking long and hard I realised I wasn’t doing my best. Nowhere near what I could compared to “good parents”.
Again, I see this a lot.
I see and hear about dads who don’t bother calling their kids, despite the distance, more than once every 10 to 14 days.
Ones who have their “new life" so push out the old.
The ones who don’t bother paying maintenance but will seemingly try and buy their kids love with presents.
The ones who still try to put their kids in situations that they shouldn’t be in; like getting them to report on what the other parent is doing or trying to find gossip to use as a weapon.
It needs to stop.
That isn’t doing everything you can. That’s just being petty and falling short for what the child/ren need.
Just because you see your kids doesn’t mean you’re being a good parent. It just means you’re not completely a “deadbeat dad" stereotype.
Actions speak louder than words.
Kids don’t need you to be the parent who allows them to stay up late when they’re with you, paying out for lots, allowing them to watch things that’s too old for them or spoiling them to buy their love. Instead they just need you to be there for them.
They need routine, structure, love and, importantly, being present in their lives in whatever way they need.
It doesn’t matter if you live 2 hours away. It doesn’t matter if you live 300 miles away. Technology is allowing you to step up and be more.
It takes 3 seconds to text. It takes 5 minutes from your day to call them. It takes maturity to sit there and listen when they want to moan; even if that is about the other house!
Them moaning or being upset doesn’t mean they’re unhappy in their current situation. It just means they’re living. We all moan. They moan about your life and you just as much as they do about ours. That doesn’t mean they’re suffering but just living through life.
So show them that you’ll be there to listen and support them.
There’s no such thing as bad parenting so don’t think I’m wanting you to compare yourself continually to other parents because I don’t; that isn’t healthy.
But take a look. Take a step back.
Are you really giving them the all of you that they deserve?
Parenting is tough and there is no right of wrong way. We all get it wrong at times. But if you try and I mean really try to give your all then you’re definitely doing what the “good” ones are doing.
So try not to fall short and instead be a better version of you, because at the end of the day it’s for them.
Be this parent.
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