One of the things that shock most people when they meet me isn’t
just how disabled I am but the fact that I was a smoker.
Now, I word this carefully; I was a smoker.
4 weeks ago I stopped. There were no cutting down and
gradually stopping and to be honest it wasn’t planned at all.
I was a smoker when I was a teenager. I grew up in a house
with my Dad who was and still is a heavy smoker. Mum never smoked and hated
that my dad did but the hate for it grew the older she got and the sicker dad
became. You can imagine her disappointment when both my brother and I started
smoking.
I carried on and only smoked up until the month before the
non-smoking ban in public was placed back in July 2007. In this case it was a
month before the boys mum and I got married and mentally I was determined that I
wasn’t going to miss my wife, my reception and the majority of my guests
because I was outside smoking.
It was easy, I had it on my mind what I wanted to do and I did
it. Mind over matter won.
4 years later and my marriage is ended, a relationship that
lasted 10 years up to that point, it is messy and I was on the track on having
my breakdown. Marriage and mental health issues were no excuse but my undiagnosed
dependent personality disorder had me floating and “coping” by creating an
addiction to alcohol.
It was bad. I won’t go into it all but I was told that
because of the severity of it that if I carried on it would kill me. It was suggested that they (therapists and
medics) replace on addictive substance with another but one that has a lot more
methods to help you to stop and manage the addiction and, importantly, one that
wouldn’t kill me within the year.
I did exactly this and the last 4 years I have been smoking.
The biggest realisation was that everything seemed mental rather than physical.
I would go through long periods of the day and not smoke. I
would see people who were non-smokers and not want to smoke. Yet, in the
evening and my mind was free to explore itself and I would crave and want some.
I would be getting stressed and worried and I would want to smoke and
ultimately if I was around other smokers I would want to smoke.
So why stop now?
Well a few things have happened and I feel that I can be
more in control.
Going to therapy and discussing why I have dependencies and addictions has really helped grasp the reason why I mentally go to those places
and subsequently try and avoid arriving there.
The other reason is financial. I have always said that if I struggled
to buy food and pay the bills and provide basic needs for the boys but I could
afford to smoke 80 a week (£52) then I would not be a father that I aim to be;
after being let down with a payment and swapping and juggling life and bills
because of that I have struggled financially.
That was it. I just stopped.
I was fine going cold turkey. Mind over matter was winning. Yet,
when I hit my first mental struggle I wanted to go straight back to it.
I was going to stand firm in my decision but needed
something to just fill that struggle without sitting in the evening delving
into the obsessive eating and gaining 4 stone.
So at the moment I am smoke free and of an evening I am
vaping. Researched all the alternatives and that seemed like the best option.
It gave me something to have in my hand, is far cheaper and gave a healthier
alternative all I needed to do was buy an e shisha pen and the vape liquid.
It has been 4 weeks and I have been smoke free and I am
really happy about it. I feel better and healthier already and am saving money.
I am not obsessing over vaping non-stop but it does seem to be easing any
difficulty I have in those weaker mental moments.
One step at a time but considering how I well I have been
doing across changing my attitude and dependencies that this is a massive step so
it probably won’t be much longer to stop it all.
It isn’t as easy as before but it is on my mind to stop and
mind over matter will win again!
No comments:
Post a Comment