Climbing the Mental Health Mountain - 3 Years on

I recently opened up about the fact that it had been 3 years since I had my nervous breakdown and with that what I was feeling and experiencing at the time.

Today marks 2 things, each that I wanted to discuss here.

Today, 3 years ago, I was released from being sectioned and had to restart my life.

It showed me that some of the stronger character traits that I had were still inside me and with that I had inner strength within a slightly scared and battered body; something I think many people can relate to in one way or another.

At that time the Doctor’s rationalised a lot and promoted my inner strength; something I mentioned in the previous post.

However, they treated me initially and put me into the world with a care support team.

As a lot of you know, getting that therapy support was hit with difficulties:

I was at that point an alcoholic and subsequently I failed the ‘alcohol test’ that permitted me to be treated by a psychology team. Having D.P.D and having a substance dependency meant that I would not, at that time, be suitable for treatment as it would be counterproductive. Failing that meant I had to wait for 2 years before I could reapply for secondary therapy.

Alternative therapy was sought through counselling, however, because a larger part of my MH was associated with a personality disorder I was deemed unsuitable for that service with the reasoning being that a 6 – 12 week therapy wouldn’t actually resolve the deeper issues. On being denied counselling I had to wait 6 months before applying again.

Those 2 years I worked hard at maintaining my Mental Health; starting with the drinking and subsequently I was 2 years sober January this year.

(Not an easy task for anyone, especially someone with D.P.D)

I attended self-help groups for self-esteem and loneliness, I lowered social aspects of my life to limit the possibilities for interpersonal triggers and every 6 months I applied to three different local counselling services; with no new outcome.

I did these things through hard work, strength and many tears. I did it myself and more importantly for my Boys

This was done for myself and my children but there was an added goal; if I was sober, if I could survive and if I could get to the 2 year mark then I could reapply and get the help that I deserve and no longer continue this fight alone.

Coming to terms with my Mental Health and with that finding ways to deal with it was a massive battle.

I had to delve into aspects of me that I found uncomfortable and with that find ways to cope with triggers, emotions, stress and dependencies that I didn’t really realise that I had.

I was scared, fragile and worried that I wouldn’t be able to cope and eventually shipped back.

Up until this year, and on this blog with you lovely readers, I was hit with the stigma of Mental Health. I never truly realised that there was such a taboo about it; even more so for men. I tried to talk about it and debunk the myth but I had other and more important battles to deal with.

I expected to come back and be greeted with family and friends that would support me but instead met with hostility, misunderstanding and rejection.

One close family member even said, at Christmas of all times, “I will never forgive you for all the problems you have caused. You are nothing but a drama queen, finding excuses for your poor pathetic behaviour”

I haven’t spoken to that family member since. This example happened across a lot of relationships where people just didn’t understand.

These last 3 years have been a massive climb for me; this year especially since I tried to come out and embrace some of my triggers and build social and interpersonal relationships.

I am pleased to say though that this brings me to my second point.

Today I am meeting with a Psychologist and having my first appointment and treatment!

This has come as such a relief that I can turn to professionals for support and guidance and take some of the pressure off of myself. This could be the start of me finally stepping forward to being healed.

This also terrifies me too.

I know so much of me, over the next few years, will be discussed and uncovered and it worries me that this will be an emotional and difficult next chapter.

The thing is with all of this, coming at the same time of year and on the same day, that I have been reminded that the healing process started 3 years ago; not now.

I am strong; strong enough to survive the breakdown and on top of that to take this journey to now, by myself, for as long as I have. I shouldn’t have anything to worry about then; I have done these 3 years of the climb, I am sure I can do the next.

One thing I do know is this: I might not be at the top but I am still climbing up!